


The Doctor and the Captain

by theadmiralscoffee



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 02:22:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1411402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theadmiralscoffee/pseuds/theadmiralscoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Dr. Crusher was on board Voyager? This is a reworking of the series to include our favourite TNG doctor, much to Kathryn's delight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Caretaker

**Author's Note:**

> I'm uploading this from its original posting on tumblr, one bit at a time.

Tom stepped into sickbay, Harry on his heels. “Tom Paris, reporting on board.”

The doctor turned and looked him up and down. “Ah yes! Mister…Paris, is it? I just received your medical records but I haven’t had a chance to look them over yet. I just beamed aboard this morning!”

Tom looked a little baffled at her manner. “And you are?”

She shifted her padds to her other arm before extending her hand. “Doctor Beverly Crusher, Chief Medical Officer for this mission. Now, I believe the captain is looking for you and was hoping to see you when you arrived. On that note, I need to stop by and introduce myself as well. Ensign…?” She paused, looking to Harry.

“Kim, ma’am.”

“Ensign Kim, please join us! Why don’t we all go pay our respects, hmm?” She turned back to her office, unceremoniously dropped the padds onto her desk, and twirled to meet the boys on the way out the door.

\---

Beverly waited outside the captain’s ready room as the boys went in to greet the captain, rocking onto her heels while waiting, observing the bridge crew ready _Voyager_. She meant to visit the captain upon her arrival, but was held up by a minor scuffle in engineering and a com call from Picard, updating her on Wesley’s latest appearance. She smiled to herself, making a note to send him a message somehow, and soon. The doors opened and Beverly had to quickly step back; Harry practically flew out the door, eager to try out his new station while Tom meandered out. Beverly stepped in before the doors shut.

“Captain Janeway?”

“Ah yes! Doctor Crusher! Please come in – can I get you something to drink? I was just going for a fresh coffee.”

“Coffee is fine, thank you.” She settled onto the couch as Kathryn ordered two coffees.

“I’m afraid I’m going to miss non-replicated coffee for this mission. I can never seem to get it cleared in the manifests, no matter how hard I try. You would think my standing as a captain would help, but you’d be sorely mistaken.” She paused to take a sip, closing her eyes as coffee washed over her senses.

Beverly gulped at the sight. “Captain? I meant to stop by earlier to pay my regards but I was held up in sickbay.”

“Ah yes. The scuffle. I assume everything was taken care of and the instigator was reprehended?”

“Oh yes – everything went well. I meant to thank you, earlier, as well – this is an excellent medical staff that you’ve chosen for me. Thank you for picking ones I recommended – they will serve you well, too! I think we’ll all get along quite well for the next couple of weeks!”

Kathryn started to respond but was interrupted by her combadge. “Cavit to the captain.” She gave a small smile in apology before answering.

“Janeway here. Go ahead.”

“We’ve been cleared for launch. Please report to the bridge.”

“Acknowledged. I’ll be out in a moment. Janeway out.” She tapped it to end the call, turning back to Beverly. “Well Doctor, it seems our meeting ends here. It will be a pleasure to serve with you – now let’s go get this show on the road!”

Beverly grinned. “Aye aye Captain!” She gave a small salute, eliciting a crooked grin from Kathryn. The two of them walked onto the bridge, Kathryn taking her chair and Beverly returning to the turbolift, intent on settling into her new sickbay.

\---

Upon getting yanked across the galaxy, Janeway got a frantic message from Engineering with an eminent warp core breach. She ran from the bridge, sending people to check on sickbay after failing to get answers from Dr. Crusher. After the warp core was stabilised, Kathryn ran to sickbay. She had yet to get a response, even after sending both Tom and Harry, both of whom were not answering hails. The sickbay doors opened and people ran past her, both in and out. She stood, shell-shocked as she observed patients draped across multiple tables and spread around on the ground, the EMH hovering over a biobed holding someone in a blue coat. She dropped her hands to her hips. “Report!”

The EMH levelled a glare from across his patient. “It seems that I have no medical staff except for this doctor has died twice on my table already, and two incompetent members of your bridge crew. You have three dead nurses that I had to clear out of the way to make room for over twenty injured crewmen, Captain. I am going to need a replacement team as soon as possible.”

“I have no medical crew? What happened in here?”

Harry piped up from his spot next to Paris. “They must have been standing over the console behind you – it exploded in the transfer to the Delta Quadrant, ma’am.”

She walked over to the EMH working over a nearly unrecognisable Beverly, placing a hand on her arm between burns. “Doctor, we’re a long way from replacements. You’d best work to save this doctor. I’ve already lost nearly half my crew; we can’t afford to lose more. Understand?”

The EMH started to splutter indignantly before Kathryn raised her hand. “I don’t want to hear it right now, Doctor. Do your best. I’ve got other places to inspect for now. Paris, keep me updated. Harry, you’re with me.”

\---

After being abducted, rescuing crew members, and finally working to absorb the now ship-less Maquis into her own ship, Kathryn was exhausted. She had 140 crewmembers, one damaged ship, and no way home besides a straight shot of 75 years; this was…not her best first week of a command. She now sat in her ready room, reports spread across the table and couch; some were damages, some were Maquis personnel files, and many were letters of condolence in progress. Her chime sounded; taking a final sip of coffee, she admitted the waiting crew member.

Beverly walked in, three different padds in her hand. “Oh, I’m sorry Captain. I can bring these by another time if you’d like!”

Kathryn grimaced and set her coffee down. “Mm just bring them here. I might as well get them all done at once.” As Beverly handed them over, Kathryn noted the still healing skin running up her hand, vanishing under her sleeve. Looking at her face, she noticed pink fading scars there, too. She gently reached out and traced over the new skin before Beverly pulled her hand away. “How are you feeling, Doctor? These looked quite awful when I last stopped in sickbay. Has the EMH been working well with you?”

Beverly sighed and sat next to the captain. Dropping her face into her hands, she started slowly, trying to find a way not to complain. “He is…interesting. His personality subroutines are non-existent at best and he’s far too…haughty to take a place as my nurse. However, I’m going to need him around considering my lack of a team. As for me, I’m feeling as well as I can be. I’d like to take time to rest, but somehow I don’t see that happening.” She looked up, noticing the exhaustion in Janeway’s face, and she narrowed her eyes. “You haven’t been resting either, have you, Captain?”

She gave a small smile and shot a glance at her pile of paperwork. “I’m afraid I can’t help with the lack of a medical crew at the moment, Doctor, or the lack of rest. I’m trying to figure out where to place Maquis crew.”

“Captain, I think that can wait a day or two, and shouldn’t you ask your new first officer for help?”

“I…don’t know if I can let him do all of it. I need to know where people are going on my ship.” Kathryn leaned back, scrubbing a hand over her face. “Oh what I wouldn’t give for precedent to follow at times like this. I feel like I’m just flying in the dark right now.”

Beverly dropped back on the couch, too, mirroring the captain. “Well, I think we’re all going to be making things up as we go. At least you know you aren’t alone, hmm?”

“I suppose so.” She sat up, hands on her knees to help herself stand. “Well Doctor, I think it’s time to get moving again. These reports will get done later. Let’s go check the bridge and go home.”

The two of them walked to the bridge, greeted by Maquis, newly decked in uniforms.

\---

_We're alone in an uncharted part of the galaxy. We have already made some friends here, and some enemies. We have no idea of the dangers we're going to face, but one thing is clear. Both crews are going to have to work together if we're to survive. That's why Commander Chakotay and I have agreed that this should be one crew – a Starfleet crew. And, as the only Starfleet vessel assigned to the Delta Quadrant, we'll continue to follow our directive to seek out new worlds and explore space, but our primary goal is clear. Even at maximum speeds, it would take seventy five years to reach the Federation, but I'm not willing to settle for that. There's another entity like the Caretaker out there somewhere who has the ability to get us there a lot faster. We'll be looking for her, and we'll be looking for wormholes, spatial rifts, or new technologies to help us. Somewhere along this journey, we'll find a way back. Mister Paris, set a course for home._

\---


	2. Phage and The Cloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff in early season one, particularly involving Phage and The Cloud.

After the Viidians successfully transplanted Kes’ lung to Neelix, Kathryn escorted the duo to the transporter room, sending them on their way. She nodded to the transporter chief and slowly wandered to a turbolift, ordering it to go to deck three.  As soon as the doors shut, she slumped against the wall, pinching the bridge of her nose with one hand, the other propped on her hip. _Just when I think it can’t possibly get worse. I think I need to banish that phrase, ship-wide. Viidians. What next? Giant intelligent insects?_

Lost in thought, she didn’t notice her arrival until the doors opened to Chakotay, a quizzical look on his face. “Captain, are you all right?”

She startled and dropped her hands. “Oh yes. Just a minor headache from the day’s stress is all. Please excuse me.” She stepped around him and nearly bolted to her quarters.

\---

One long bath and two glasses of wine later, Kathryn relaxed on the couch, perusing through various reports, smiling when it seemed B’Elanna was already elbow deep in the warp core. They were up 5% in efficiency after just one week and B’Elanna had rambled on for an additional five pages about possibilities. Her door chirped and her smile dropped. Sitting quickly, she rearranged her robe and tied it shut where it had fallen open. “Come in.”

Beverly strode through the door, intently skimming through a padd. “Captain, I asked the computer where you were after I brought this to your ready room and you weren’t there as expected – it’s the report about Nee – ” She glanced up and was momentarily stunned by pink silk. With a quick cough to cover her distraction, she continued. “Neelix’s medical adventures over the past couple of days. I thought you might want to read it as soon as possible?”

Kathryn leaned forward, reaching out to take the padd. “Quite right, Doctor. Thank you. Would you care for a glass of wine? I’m afraid I’ve been relaxing a bit this evening and it may take me a couple extra minutes to read this through.”

Beverly smiled, sitting where Kathryn had patted the couch beside her. “That sounds perfect right now, thank you.” She raised an eyebrow at the label. “Chateau Picard, hmm?”

Kathryn nudged her shoulder. “It’s good wine and he just so happens to like me. Or, at least, he liked my father and my mother never drank it. I may have packed it for a quick trip…I never imagined this would be the last real bottle I would see.”

“I didn’t know he knew your father! He certainly never spoke of you; Riker, however, told me an interesting story or two…you know, now that we’re here, I think I might like to get your side of the story.” Beverly’s grin turned wicked and she leaned back, taking a careful sip of wine.

Kathryn turned her head, attempting to hide the creeping blush on her neck and cheeks. “I’m not sure I want to know what he told you, but I’m sure he was misinformed or making things up.” She took her glass and leaned back, too. “We’re also on uneven ground, here. You know stories, however much fabricated, from my days as a cadet, but I know nothing about you. I don’t suppose you pulled all-nighters with another cadet and pretended that you did so much more, mmm?”

“I’m afraid not. My dance schedule didn’t allow me to skip sleep.”

“You dance?”

“I used to. Now it’s a matter of time – I much prefer to go to the theatre and watch other poor souls work for it!”

\---

One finished bottle of wine, many stories, and a goodbye with a promise for another chat later, Kathryn realised she never did read the report Beverly gave her. She shrugged. It would just have to wait until morning.

\---------

The nebula healed and long since left behind, once again Kathryn found herself completely overwhelmed with a stack of various reports and requests. She sat in her office with her feet up, grimacing through one of Neelix’s coffee substitutes and reading the engineering report on their latest encounter. As she was beginning to find usual, it was thick with proposed updates. She vaguely skimmed them, thumbing her approval, trusting that B’Elanna knew what she was doing without needing constant supervision.

A carafe materialised on her desk, causing her to startle and drop her mug to the ground, noting with dismay that the liquid moved so slowly it was stuck in the mug. A small note fluttered to the ground, too. Kathryn picked both up, smiling at the handwritten words.

_“Someone warned me that you didn’t have replicator rations – I’m hoping you don’t mind the real stuff. – BC”_

Kathryn raised her eyebrow, eyeing the carafe. Peeking under the lid, the smell of hot fresh _real_ coffee hit her nose. _Remind me to give that woman a promotion._ She smiled and poured herself a mug, hands wrapping around the cup and she was content to just sit and enjoy the smell for a moment, reports happily forgotten.

\---

Beverly found a small piece of paper tucked under a few padds on her desk the next morning. Leaning forward in her chair, she worked it loose, laughing at the sight. It was a tiny painting of a cat, her Maestro, done entirely in real coffee.

_“Good news – I never turn down the real stuff. KJ.”_

\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, and if you spot errors!


	3. Eye of the Needle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A more angsty chapter for a more angsty episode.

_Captain's Log, Stardate 48579.4. The crew has been scanning constantly for anomalies that might help us shorten our journey home. Ensign Kim has reported an exciting discovery - a subspace disturbance which may be a wormhole._

Kathryn sat alone in her ready room, going over preliminary scans of this wormhole. Her gaze wandered to her picture of Mark and Molly more than she cared to admit, but her growing exuberance was only being helped by the mood on the bridge; her officers had joked around her and smiles were far more numerous than she’d seen in weeks. Sighing, she dropped the padd on her desk and wandered over to fondly trace a finger down her treasured photograph. _Somehow, home just got a little closer._

\---

In sickbay, Beverly went about her business filing crew physicals and incident reports, but with a renewed bounce in her step, much to the dismay of the EMH. His manner was grating on her after weeks of no improvement, but today, she just couldn’t be bothered. Humming her favourite arias, she realized she might just live to see another opera in person. _Save a breakfast for me, mon capitaine._

\---

“I fear Mr. Kim’s exuberance may turn into an equally intense disappointment if his efforts prove in vain,” Tuvok gravely intoned after the dismissal of her senior staff.

Kathryn nearly scoffed. “You may be right, but I’d rather assume that he’s going to be successful.” After Tuvok left, she turned to the windows as her thoughts whirled of home and her people and her dog. Facing the stars, she felt a familiar sense of loneliness creep over her, despite the good news. She could overhear, once again, the excited tittering on the bridge, and realised she couldn’t go join them. It wouldn’t do to raise their hopes herself if they were to crash spectacularly. She hastily wiped away a lone tear before retreating back to her office, a wry smile in place at the excited reports and messages going around the ship.

_“Looks like you might just get to take Riker up on that date after all. BC”_

She nearly inhaled her coffee.

_“Looks like you aren’t going to be able to avoid your captain for much longer, hmmm? That being said, Dr. Crusher, please don’t say that in front of the crew, especially our junior officers – I’m trying not to be too enthusiastic…I don’t think I can afford to be if we were to fail. KJ”_

_“Understood, Captain. It won’t happen again, or at least on the bridge, I suppose. I don’t suppose you’ve had lunch yet? I’ve found my nurses remain too scared of me to eat with me and the other senior staff too isolated among themselves already. BC”_

_“One might think we tortured them with how they avoid us so effectively. I’ll be in the messhall at 1300 hours; meet me there? KJ”_

_“Sounds wonderful, Captain. Thank you. B.”_

\---

Beverly sat at her desk, tucked around the corner when she heard Kathryn come in and activate the EMH. Despite her reservations about the man, she was pleased to hear her attempts to help him become less prickly. She stood and peeked around the wall, smiling at his requests and almost saddened by how basic they seemed.

As Kathryn left, Beverly snagged her arm as she passed; she gave the captain’s hand a squeeze and a whispered thank you before she left.

Kathryn, for her part, couldn’t quite explain the fluttering in her stomach as she left sickbay.

\---

_“Is the rumour true, Captain? Are we really testing transporter possibilities through this wormhole? B”_

_“Don’t get your hopes up too much, yet, Doctor. There’s a lot of work to do and numerous tests. That being said, I’ve found myself looking at pictures of home with a certain new amount of longing. I’m hoping this works – I haven’t seen the crew this excited yet; even_ Voyager _herself seems to be happier, hmm? KJ”_

_“You’ll see your Molly soon, I bet. Keep your chin up, Captain. B.”_

\---

Sending Telek R’Mor back was quite possibly one of the hardest things Kathryn had to do so far. She slumped against her quarter doors, head in hands. _We were so close. So. Close._ She stripped layers of her uniform away and pulled pins from her hair with every step, eventually flopping across her bed. She buried her face into her pillows, doing her best not to break down while perfectly intent on not moving for hours, at least.

“Dr. Crusher to Janeway.”

_You have got to be kidding me._ She groaned and reached for her jacket, blinding searching with her fingertips until she found it mostly under the bed. Dragging it up, she rolled to her back and hit her communicator, hoping her voice wasn’t too groggy to give away her mood.

“Janeway here. Go ahead.”

“May I speak with you for a moment?”

“You are speaking to me now, aren’t you?”

“Captain, I meant in person. Are you busy?”

She sighed before answering, one hand thrown over her eyes. “No, I suppose not. Come to my quarters in ten minutes?”

“Thank you. Crusher out.”

Kathryn rolled to a sitting position, holding her jacket and staring mournfully toward her boots. _Dammit Kathryn and you just got comfortable, too. Put the boots on and you can forgo the jacket, just this once, alright?_

She stood with her back to the door, impatiently flicking her hair over her shoulder. At the beep, she let the doctor in, but still remained facing the stars. She felt a gentle breeze ruffle her hair as Beverly moved to also stand facing the stars, her shoulder nearly touching Kathryn’s.

“How can I help you?”

She hesitated. “I…I thought you might want someone to talk to.”

“What do you mean, Doctor?”

“Captain, I am very aware of how isolated captains can be – I dealt with Picard for years, remember? I know how I’m feeling after today’s let-down and I couldn’t help but think you might want a friend at the very least.”

Kathryn flinched and turned toward the doctor, her face hardening. “Excuse me?”

Beverly turned, too, unperturbed by Kathryn’s show. “I happen to know that you have a dog and a man waiting for you and it is nearly killing you that they were just yanked away. I have a son and man in that quadrant, too, and I thought that we could maybe have a moment to talk, ranks aside. There’s no one else out here, Captain, and I was hoping that I could have a moment to talk through what just happened. If, however, you’re too against this, I suppose I can go activate the EMH. He’s crabby but at least he’ll listen if I make him.” She turned on her heel, starting toward the door until a quiet “don’t” sounded softly from behind her.

Kathryn’s shoulders sank and she ran a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee?”

Beverly smirked. “Coffee at this hour?” She watched the captain’s face turn grumpy at the mere thought of not-coffee anything. “Coffee is fine, Captain.”

Sitting side by side on the couch, the two focused on their coffee; Beverly was waiting for Kathryn to work through her thoughts, marked by her troubled look.

“I wanted nothing more than to have my dog leap into my arms. When I heard we might be able to transport though, my first thoughts were of Molly. I’m never going to see her again, and even if I did, she’ll never remember me. Mark…will wait for a few years, assuming our messages didn’t get passed along.” She paused, focusing on the depths of her coffee, before starting again, her voice no more than whisper. “But I don’t think he’ll wait forever…and my mom…probably won’t be alive and my sister has a family. I’m going home to…nothing.” Her hand hastily wiped at her cheek. “I’m sorry. I’m being terribly morose and I haven’t even asked how you’re feeling.”

Beverly gently nudged her shoulder with her own. “It’s quite all right, Captain.”

“Kathryn.”

“Excuse me?”

“Considering the nature of this conversation, rather unbecoming of two of the highest ranking officers of this ship…Kathryn.”

“It’s quite all right, then, Kathryn.” She paused, staring at the ground before starting in on her own worries. “I was finally ready to take the next step with Picard when I got this mission. He understood, however, and encouraged me to take it. I don’t expect he’ll wait more than a few years either. Then, my son, Wesley. He’s off travelling of sorts so I don’t hear from him often anyway, but now…now I don’t think I’ll ever see him again.” Her voice broke at the end and Kathryn reached for her hand, giving it a small squeeze.

“I’ll get you home to your son, Doctor – you can count on it. I’m not giving up just yet.”

With a small smile and a returned squeeze, Beverly stood. “I never doubted you for a second. Thank you, Kathryn.”

“My door is always open. Good night, Doctor.”

“Beverly, Kathryn. Beverly.”

“Good night, Beverly.”

As the doctor left, Kathryn was again left with fluttering in her stomach that she couldn’t quite explain. _Just what have you gotten yourself into, Kathryn?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and if you spot typos!


	4. The 37s

Beverly chattered about the medical advances these people had despite arriving with nothing of the sort, rambling on about the brand new hospital and how it needed someone in charge. Kathryn quietly ate her lunch, picking at her sandwich and avoiding eye contact.

“Kathryn?”

“Hmm?”

“I just extoled the virtues of shaving my head and you just nodded away. Where are you?”

Kathryn’s gaze shot up, her sandwich comically dropping to her plate. She shoved it back and twisted her hands together. “I’m on the planet, I suppose. I’m a bit worried…there are only so many people I can leave behind and still carry on home.”

“If anyone can get this ship home, crew or otherwise, it’s you.”

She raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “I’m pretty sure I still need a crew.”

“You’ll have one.”

“And you sound mighty sure, considering all the opportunities here.”

“You saw the hospitals, too. They’ve offered me a job and I’m considering it, yes. Can you honestly blame me? I’ll be too old, if even alive, to do anything when we get home. Sometimes I can’t help but feel trapped here – here I could be free and able to help a whole _planet_ , Kathryn. I don’t know I’ll ever get such an opportunity again!”

Kathryn’s stomach twisted again, the hard knot pressing uncomfortably against her ribs, and she blinked away impending tears. “It isn’t often you get such a chance, is it? It sounds truly wonderful. If you think it’s best, I’ll support your decision. I’ve been meaning to get to know the EMH better, anyway.” She dropped her napkin onto the table and pushed her chair back, wincing at the pain in her ribs. “I’ve got to get to the bridge for a meeting with Chakotay. We’re rearranging duty rosters to prepare for our forthcoming losses. Thank you for lunch, Doctor.”

Beverly sat back, pondering Kathryn’s hasty retreat, wince of pain, and use of her title – something she hadn’t done in private since their discussion after the Romulan and wormhole. _Was it something I said?_

\---

Kathryn did her best to avoid Beverly before the crew decision, unsure she could handle the awful clenching in her gut at thoughts of having to leave her behind. She successfully ignored personal hails and hid behind work to avoid mealtimes; her one necessary discussion with the EMH just so happened to take place when Beverly beamed down for one last tour of the hospital. He chattered away, excited to take over sickbay and be rid of her overly cheerful tendencies. Kathryn almost commented on the amusing nature of his comment, given his sardonic bedside manner, but she bit her tongue. It hurt too much to joke about Beverly’s likely departure for now.

Finally, she walked down with Chakotay, hiding her nervousness with light hearted chatter about thoughts of who would stay. When the cargo bay doors opened, Kathryn had been prepared to lose Beverly. _She’ll be standing there with that sad half smile and her hands fluttering, not sure what to do when you see her. You already know you’re going to lose her, Kathryn. You might as well get used to the EMH. Besides, she’s just your friend, and even that could be a stretch considering your ranks. You feel too much for her as it stands. This is a good thing…right?_

Now, seeing the barren room, she nearly burst into tears, grateful for Chakotay’s steadying presence behind her. His hand squeezed her shoulder, staying there until she pulled herself back together. She turned and looked up at him with a watery grin. “Well, Commander, shall we go take off?”

He raised his eyebrows at her attempt at cavalier indifference but just played along. “Looks like it’s time.” He fell into step beside his captain and headed to the bridge, excited to get going again and nearly ready to burst with happiness.

\---

_“All stations prepare for departure. Condition blue, Mister Tuvok. Miss Torres, anti-grav thrusters online.”_

_“Thrusters enabled.”_

_“Mister Paris, inertial dampers to flight configuration. Impulse drive to stand by.”_

_“Yes, ma'am.”_

_“All stations report ready, Captain.”_

_“Then let’s do it. Take us up.”_

\---

“Kathryn, you’ve hardly said a word and only pushed your food around. What’s wrong?”

Kathryn dropped her fork, willing her stomach to settle before she started, still not entirely sure she wanted to admit anything. “I’m just not very hungry – too much stress and not enough time to relax.”

“This is the second time you’ve not actually eaten with me in the past few days. You can’t always hide behind work to cover other issues at hand.”

She scoffed and stood, pacing to the window. “It’s not easy being a captain, Doctor, when you’re suddenly faced with the very real possibility of losing your entire crew in one go, in turn obliterating any hope of returning home.” Her anger at Beverly started to seep through, turning her one comment into a quietly controlled tirade.  “It’s not easy when half your senior staff is presented with opportunities you can never offer on board a ship doomed to sail home over an entire lifetime.”

She spun and strode back to where Beverly now stood. “So yes, Beverly, I’m stressed. I’ve had a knot in my stomach since you told me of the hospital and I don’t think I’ve slept more than three hours.” Her bravado came to a halt, her gaze dropping to the floor. She stepped back quickly, muttering an apology for her erratic manner.

Beverly watched her captain pace, rant, and finally come to a stop in front of her. As Kathryn deflated, Beverly suddenly realised the underlying issue and spoke before she thought it through. “You didn’t want me to go, did you? Why didn’t you just say so?”

Kathryn’s gaze snapped up to meet Beverly’s. “I never said that. Besides, I needed you to make an educated decision about what was best for your life. That comes before my need for a CMO, especially considering I’ve the EMH as backup anyway.” She shook her head before starting toward the door. “I need to get some sleep – there’s quite a bit of paperwork for this week to be filed. Good night, Doctor.”

As Kathryn swept toward the door, Beverly grabbed her hand to swing her back into her arms. She hugged Kathryn close, feeling her stiffen before relaxing and wrapping her own arms around Beverly’s waist. Beverly leaned her head against her captain’s, enjoying the smell of her hair and the sensation of her breath erratically skittering across her neck. She whispered as she rubbed Kathryn’s back. “I was never going to leave.”

“I know.” Kathryn slowly stepped back, brushed a kiss over the doctor’s cheek, and left, bidding a hasty goodnight over her shoulder as the doors hissed shut behind her.

Now, Kathryn knew exactly why she had that fluttering in her chest, fluttering that turned to lead as her gaze hit her picture of Mark on her desk. _Oh Kathryn, what are you doing?_


	5. Resolutions

The EMH hailed Beverly several times to no avail. Huffing, he went to work in the lab without her…only to find her draped across the desk, padds sprawled around her and spilling to the floor. As he woke her, she looked up, hopeful that he’d made a breakthrough.

He silently shook his head, watching her face crumple before she dropped her gaze to her lap, twisting her hands together. “It’s time to tell them, isn’t it?”

“Doctor Crusher, we’ve exhausted every possibility and you know it. You’re welcome to wake the captain for no more than five minutes before we have to put her back in stasis and beam them both to the planet.” It wasn’t until she was halfway to the stasis chamber that she registered that the EMH hadn’t even bothered to mention waking Chakotay. _Am I that obvious?_

She looked through the clear panel at Kathryn’s gaunt face, trying to compose herself before entering the code to open the chamber. She held her breath as Kathryn coughed her way to consciousness.

Kathryn turned to lie on her side, the only way she was able to breathe without additional heavy coughing fits. Beverly walked into her view and knelt to make eye contact. Kathryn noted with remorse that her face wasn’t hopeful like she’d wanted.

“Kathryn, I’ve officially tried everything and we’ve only roused you from stasis long enough to give you a status report. I can’t keep you on board any longer, Captain. You and Chakotay will be beamed down tomorrow, but I’ll keep working through the night and do my best to find something, okay?” Beverly’s face fell as she talked, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

Kathryn reached out and wiped it away. “S’okay Doctor.” She quickly leaned back, her chest heaving with awful wet coughs. As she collapsed onto her back to catch her breath, Beverly stood and leaned over her.

“Doctor?”

Beverly brushed Kathryn’s hair back from where it had escaped the long braid. “Yes?”

“Make sure they pack me coffee, ‘kay?”

Beverly laughed for the first time in days and leaned to press a quick kiss to her forehead. “Of course. You know, for doing your best to die, Captain, you’re pretty adorable.”

Kathryn’s face screwed up into a pout. “Starfleet captains are NOT adorable.”

“You can’t see your pout, Kathryn.”

\---

“And regardless of the Doctor's suggestion, you are not to make contact with the Vidiians.”

Beverly started to interject, but Tuvok raised his hand to silence her, finishing his call with Janeway on the planet’s surface. Unwilling to hear any more, she stormed off before the call finished, breezing through the bridge, descending in the turbolift before the ready room doors had even hissed shut. Once the lift started to move, she hastily wiped tears that were falling too quickly for her liking. _Knock it off, Beverly. There’s nothing you can do – might as well get used to it._ She leaned against the wall, resting her forehead against the cool metal. _You should have worked harder. You could have found a cure. This is your fault._

She ran past the poor ensign waiting on the other side of the doors, rushing into her office and sliding down the wall in the corner, head between her knees as she succumbed to wracking sobs. As her ribs began to ache and stomach hurt, she nearly chuckled as a thought flitted through her mind, a memory of a conversation. _She’d say this was most unbecoming of a Starfleet officer and tease you for months. Collect yourself and get back to work. Can’t be caught lazing about._

\---

_This is Kathryn Janeway. I've never liked saying good bye, so I'll make this brief, but I want you all to know that serving as your captain has been the most extraordinary experience of my life. No captain could ask more than what this crew has given - bravery, compassion and strength of character. But, I think what I'll miss most is the fun - the times we joked together, the games on the holodeck. I'll remember the laughter more than anything. Although Commander Chakotay and I won't be with you for the rest of your journey, we know that you'll be the same steadfast crew for Mister Tuvok as you have been for us. We wish you a safe and a speedy journey home. Our thoughts will be with you. Janeway out._

_Thank you, Captain, Commander. I am sure I speak for the entire crew when I say we will always remember your grace and courage. And, I would like to add, it has been an honour serving with you. Live long and prosper._

\---

_“My people have a saying. Even the eagle must know when to sleep. Maybe it's time we both considered that.”_

_“You mean quit, give up?”_

_“Why do you have to see it as defeat? Maybe it's simply accepting what life has dealt us, finding the good in it.”_

_“There may be a day when I'll come to that, Chakotay, but, I'm a long way from it right now. I need to keep looking.”_

\---

Later that night, he found her on her back in a field beside their cabin. He lay down next to her, just close enough to feel her warmth.

She sighed before whispering, just enough to carry with the slight breeze. “Do you ever think about what they’re doing right now, Chakotay?”

He turned his head, just enough to see her face and note the tears glistening but not falling. “You know as well as I do that they’re working toward home. That’s the best thing you gave them, you know, that drive and stubbornness.”

With a breathy laugh she continued. “I know that, but I meant the individuals, the crew. Like today, for example, is the Friday night pool tournament and I’m not there – Tom might actually probably finally win for once, if he’s not too distracted by the girls.” Her voice cracked, but she continued. “Or maybe even about home – Mark always dragged me from the office on Fridays to take me to operas or other shows. He hated every minute of them, but he knew I loved them.” She paused again before whispering even lower, so low Chakotay almost missed it. “Beverly loved them, too.”

He raised his eyebrow and turned to see her tears finally slip down her face. He pulled her into his arms, holding her as she finally broke. He cried, too; he cried for his sister, his Maquis family onboard the ship, his friends in the Alpha Quadrant, and for the woman in his arms, stripped of everything she had ever known.

\---

“Well, that's one way of letting go.” She stared at the broken remains of her research, strewn amongst downed trees and large chucks of their shelter. At her resigned sigh, Chakotay suggested a picnic lunch before cleaning up.

They now sat side by side, kicking their feet in the water and tossing leaves into the river. They took turns, naming a crew member with each leaf in the water. The lower ranks were easy enough – sad, but not destroying. By the time they got to the senior staff, however, both started to choke up. The leaves slowed now, goodbyes becoming a bit longer.

“Harry, you’re so young and you’ve got so much ahead of you. Please apologise to your parents for me and never get lost again. Send me a message when you become a captain, okay? I’m sorry I never did get to promote you. Maybe Tuvok will for me.” She let the leaf drop, watching it stick to her foot for a moment before lazily drifting downstream.

“B’Elanna, do me a favour and don’t punch anyone else, okay? Get home and find your mother – make amends while you still can.” Her leaf fell from his hands, never stopping, just rushing ahead until it ran right into a rock. He chuckled, thinking it was just like she was – too quick for her own good sometimes.

“Tuvok, my old friend, may you live long and prosper. Your family really does worry about and miss you, even if you insist they can’t worry. They do. You’ve been gone too long. Send my regards to T’Pel, if you would.” Her leaf for him fell and took the middle of the river, clear and smooth.

“Tom, I’m glad we got to make amends, even if you are the most bullheaded pilot I’ve ever met. I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you, but I forgive you. Your father is going to be extremely proud of you when you land that ship on his lawn. ” They both laughed as his leaf nearly got stuck in a minor set of rapids but nevertheless worked itself free and zoomed away.

She took a deep breath before continuing with her last leaf. “Beverly, I’m only sorry I didn’t get to know you more. Maybe you were right and captains can be adorable. Get home to your son and…” She broke off, staring at the leaf, running a fingertip along the edge. Chakotay reached over and rested his hand on her spare, squeezing her fingers. “…back to Picard. Go to the opera for me and tell me all about it. I’ll miss you, Bev.” She dropped the leaf, but it stuck to her foot, and then her hand as she tried to peel it off. It just wouldn't leave.

Leaning too far over, she fell in, face first. She spluttered to the surface to be face to face with Chakotay, staring at his laughing face. She splashed him and at his indignant cry, reached up and pulled him into the water, too, laughing until her sides ached.

\---

_Captain's log, Stardate 49694.2. We have contacted the Vidiian convoy with encouraging results. They have promised to communicate with Doctor Denara Pel and ask if she will help us._

_…_

_“Initiating transport.”_

_“Ejecting the antimatter container now.”_

_“We've got it. Raise shields.”_

_…_

_“Set a course for the planet where we left the Captain and Commander Chakotay. Warp six.”_

\---

Beverly paced sickbay, back and forth, back and forth. The EMH didn’t try to stop her after the third time he was just brushed aside as she continued to pace. The far computer screen displayed the plotted course and the time remaining. Beverly had tried to push for maximum warp, but Tuvok held steady that the captain wouldn’t want him to so frivolously use up resources. She fumed for the better part of that day, but eventually realised he was right. It was then she found herself pacing sickbay.

“Tuvok to Doctor Crusher.”

She nearly bruised herself with how quickly she hit her combadge. “Crusher here.”

“We have them. Report to Transporter Room One in one hour with the supplies. You alone will beam down and take care of them.”

“Acknowledged – thank you Tuvok. Crusher out.”

She grabbed the vials and rushed to the room, keen to just wait it out there, even if she did drive the poor ensign insane.

\---

Kathryn paced back and forth in front of the shuttle, wringing her hands. Chakotay quietly chose to go pack belongings, knowing she probably didn’t need him there for the doctor’s arrival.

She had her arms around Beverly before she had finished materialising. The doctor dropped everything upon registering the pressure and the smell of Kathryn’s hair; she wrapped her arms around the tiny captain and held her close, fitting her chin on top of Kathryn’s head, tears streaming down onto her hair.

Kathryn felt Beverly’s sobs before she heard them. She pulled back just enough to wipe tears from her face. She chuckled at the sight. _We must both look like disasters._ “Did you miss me?”

Beverly gasped out something between a laugh and another sob, nodding and pulling Kathryn back into her hug, stroking up and down her back as Kathryn, too, rubbed her back.

Chakotay peeked through the kitchen window when he heard the clatter, but smiled when he saw Kathryn practically absorbed by Beverly’s arms. _It’s about time. Maybe they’ll actually admit something this time._ He shook his head and went to pack the bedrooms up, quite content to let them be for a while longer. _The cure isn’t going anywhere anyway._

\---

Later, Kathryn invited Beverly to her quarters for dinner and to catch up on the crew, gossip that didn’t fit into official reports. A couple of glasses of wine later, Kathryn found herself curled into Beverly’s side on the couch, both nursing their coffees. Beverly leaned forward, setting her mug on the table before reaching back for Kathryn’s.

As Beverly resettled, Kathryn reached for and started tracing Beverly’s hand, fascinated by the fine bones and long fingers. She pressed a kiss to the back before letting it drop back to her lap. Beverly watched as Kathryn studied every detail and in turn pressed a kiss to the top her head after Kathryn yawned.

“I’ll let you get to bed, Kathryn. You’ve had a long day and Denara said the cure might make you a bit tired for the next couple of days as it works to fight the virus.” She gently unwrapped her arm from behind Kathryn and stood, reaching down to pull her up.

Very slowly and ever so gently, Beverly leaned down, brushing her lips against Kathryn’s. She quickly pulled back and opened her eyes; seeing Kathryn’s still shut, she kissed her again, this time gently pressing a series of soft kisses against her lips, smiling as Kathryn smiled into their kisses. She pulled back, kissed Kathryn’s nose, and whispered a goodnight. On her way out the door, she peeked over her shoulder, grinning even more as the captain stood with a dazed look and one hand pressed to her mouth.


	6. Basics and The Q and the Grey

_Basics_

\---

 _Mister Kim, is this ship capable of sustained flight._  
All propulsion and navigational systems are functioning within normal parameters, Captain.  
Good. Take us away from our new home and set a course for the old one, Mister Paris, warp eight.  
Heading four one mark seven seven. Destination – Alpha Quadrant.  
Engage.

\---

Flopping across her couch, Kathryn kicked her dirty boots off and smiled as each hit the ground with a satisfying thud and corresponding cloud of dust. _Damn Kazon and damn planet and damn stupid big Indian who can’t start damn fires._ She reached and struggled to let her hair down but stopped as the dust tickled her nose and throat. _Damn dust._

Finding the mangled stubby bit of hair with her fingers, she sighed and dropped her head back to the couch. _Damn damn damn._ The door’s chirp broke through her litany. _Damn you, too._ “Come in,” she barked and hastily sat up, brushing her hair back with a huff and glared as it fell back into her face. _Okay maybe not damn **you**._ “Oh. What can I do for you, Doctor?”

Beverly bit back a smile. “Nothing official, Kathryn. May I come in?”

Kathryn dropped back and patted the spot next to her, grimacing as yet more dust flew up around her hand. _Does this damn stuff self-replicate or something?_

Beverly sat and reached into her pocket, pulling out a dermal regenerator. “I thought you might want to fix your hair...” She blushed and stammered over the rest. “Not that your hair isn’t uh beautiful anyway…but I just thought…”

Giving a mirthless chuckle, Kathryn moved to sit in front of Beverly.

“Kathryn?”

“I thought you’d be better able to reach from here.”

Beverly blushed again. _How do you always throw me off balance like this?_ “I suppose you’re quite right.” She started combing through the long hair only to growl in frustration. “This is hopeless – would you mind getting a brush?”

Letting her head drop back to rest on the edge of the couch between Beverly’s knees, Kathryn sighed. “And I only just sat down, too.” She stood using the doctor’s leg to hoist herself up. “I think I’ll take a quick sonic shower while I’m up. Feel free to get something to drink – I shouldn’t be more than…” She glanced at a chronometer. “Five minutes, tops?”

Re-emerging exactly five minutes later, Kathryn was quite pleased. She had pulled out her pink silk pyjamas, recalling exactly how much they had affected the doctor at the very beginning of her trip, this time forgoing the robe completely. _Close your mouth, my dear doctor. You’re going to catch space flies._

Beverly, for her part, felt her mind completely zero in on Kathryn, mesmerised by all that pink silk and those collarbones. _Behave yourself, Beverly, for goodness’ sake. You’ve seen her pyjamas before._ She did her best not to gape as Kathryn settled back on the ground between her legs, a soft scent of coffee – _good lord, Kathryn; do you bathe in the stuff?_ – and “…cookies?”

Kathryn chuckled. “Lotion, Beverly, not cookies. Lavender and honey, actually.”

Beverly blushed yet again, not realising she’d mused out loud. “I might have to try it sometime. Now, let’s see about this hair – did you want it back to the same length as the rest or to make all of it longer or is it time for a trim?”

Groaning, she leaned her head back to peer up at Beverly with her regenerator in hand. “Surprise me?”

Beverly grinned. _Now there’s a wicked thought indeed, dear Captain, and not at all what you just intended, I’m sure._ “Purple it is.”

Kathryn shot up and pinned Beverly’s hands to the back of the couch, knocking the regenerator to the floor. Her voice dropped and her eyes narrowed. “You. Wouldn’t. Dare.”

“Would you like to bet on that? I like think you’d look positively divine in a nice dark shade of purple, wouldn’t you say, or perhaps a lovely deep blue to match your eyes, no?”

Kathryn silenced her with a kiss…and another. And another. _For science, of course._

\---

_The Q and the Grey_

_Oh, I see, this is one of those silly human rituals. You're playing hard to get._

_As far as you're concerned, Q, I'm impossible to get._

\---            
Kathryn waited until the doors shut behind her before slumping and stripping layers away, tossing them around her quarters. Her jacket hit the edge of her desk and slid down, communicator clinking against the leg as her boots hit the couch and chairs; her turtleneck hit the wall, pips jingling as the shirt fell. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned to see an oddly morose Beverly. Stumbling back, Kathryn’s back hit the wall as Beverly advanced, her eyes narrowing. Beverly’s face was just inches from her own, her breaths panting across Kathryn’s face, intimidating look made slightly less effective by the smile that kept creeping up when she couldn’t quite hide it in time. Reaching for her wrists, Beverly pulled Kathryn’s hands up above her head and kept them pinned while still trying not to grin like a maniac.

She tried to catch her breath before speaking, but she failed miserably. “Bev-erly…what…what are you doing?” She tugged her arms, trying to break free until Beverly spoke, her voice dangerously low.

“I heard he mated with you?”

Kathryn chuckled, realising what was happening. She twisted her hand to pat Beverly’s. “He didn’t. Granted he nearly destroyed the Continuum to do so, but he figured things out with Lady Q – they have a baby now. He’s mighty adorable, if I do say so myself.” She dropped her gaze to Beverly’s mouth before flickering back up to her eyes. “You aren’t…jealous…are you?” Her smirk grew as Beverly broke into a smile.

“Not really – Chakotay filled me in as he figured you would skate over the nitty-gritty. Plus, I’ve always kind of wanted to do that and I’ve certainly never had the chance before!”

Kathryn’s head spun, partially because of Beverly’s immediate change from delightfully menacing to ridiculously chipper in two seconds flat, and partially because Beverly’s proximity was causing her heart and stomach to do all sorts of flips…not to mention the ache settling deep in her abdomen. She licked her lips and gathered her thoughts before answering, attempting nonchalance. “Did he really? That man’s up for a demotion soon – maybe it’s time to give Harry that pip instead. And do _what_ , exactly?”

Beverly’s grin turned positively Cheshire for just a moment before she lowered her lips to just brush across Kathryn’s. “This, my dear captain.” She pulled back to see Kathryn lean forward, trying to follow the ghost of a kiss. Waiting just a few seconds more, Beverly pounced and laved kisses across Kathryn’s jaw to her earlobe. Tugging it with her teeth, she moved to kiss behind Kathryn’s ear and delighted in the groan it produced. Somehow before her mind clouded, she managed to note that gently biting Kathryn’s neck above her skittering pulse made Kathryn moan from deep in her throat, and clutch the back of Beverly’s neck and pull her forward by the small of her back, further pressing her into the wall.


	7. Coda

Kathryn dropped her coffee to the console with a loud clang. “Out with it, Doctor. You’ve sighed three times in the past two minutes alone.”

“I’m fine.”

Kathryn spun her chair and propped her elbows on her knees. “Beverly, look at me.” Not getting a response or even acknowledgement, she reached over and touched her forearm. “Beverly? Please just look at me and tell me what’s wrong!”

Beverly sighed, her chin dropping to her chest and hesitating. “I think…I think you’re being reckless.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re being reckless.”

“Reckless? Really?”

“This is the fourth away mission this month alone that you’ve headed – captains don’t head away teams! You’re _Voyager_ ’s captain and you treat yourself like you’re expendable!”

Kathryn sat up, setting her chin in a defiant tilt to meet Beverly’s gaze after her tirade. “I’m not being reckless and my crew is not expendable. What am I supposed to do, Beverly? This isn’t the Alpha Quadrant and I’m not your perfect Picard! I can’t stay in my chair all day – I’ve got to show the crew that I’m working as hard as they are to get us home. I can’t do that if I’m in a chair doing paperwork all day, wasting away.” Kathryn got up to pace toward the back, anxious to quell the shaking in her hands and calm her heart. _No use getting so worked up over a comment, Kathryn._

Beverly dropped her head to her hands before speaking again, much more calmly and quietly. “I didn’t mean your crew is expendable and you know that. I just…I just don’t like seeing you hurt and on my biobed.” She raised her head to see Kathryn leaning against the replicator, arms crossed.  Beverly checked the autopilot before walking to stand next to Kathryn, her shoulder just brushing Kathryn’s. “I lo…like you too much to continue to have to patch up your injuries. What if the next aliens that shoot first and talk later hit you? How are we supposed to get home then? Am I supposed to be okay with that? You’re being foolhardy and reckless and you know it.”

Kathryn pushed off the wall and paced to the other side, before storming the two steps back, standing toe to toe with the doctor, fury radiating from the captain as she was completely fed up with Beverly’s insistence. “You’re going to have to re-establish that objectivity, Doctor. I’m not reckless when I’m doing my damned job. I’m not a desk captain and you knew that coming into this. I have a crew that needs me to get them home and I’m damned well going to do just that.”

“You have _got_ to stop with this ridiculous guilt problem sooner rather than later. You’re going to do something rash and it’s going to be _your_ funeral, Captain, not mine.”

Kathryn’s jaw dropped. Before she had a chance to furiously respond, the shuttle rocked, throwing her back against the opposite wall. Throwing a glare toward Beverly, she staggered to the controls, barking orders over her shoulder.

At some point, Beverly felt Kathryn fly backward, ramming into her shoulder in the process, but Beverly focused on trying to land the ship and ignored the urge to immediately check on her. The landing, however, caused her own forehead to slam into the console and all thoughts of Kathryn and the ship vanished as she lost consciousness.

\---

Registering a sharp pain behind her right eye, Beverly groaned and lifted her head, trying to drown out the computer’s blaring warning of some kind of gas leak or another. Turning slowly to the copilot’s seat, she panicked upon seeing it empty and the console marked with a lengthy streak of fresh blood. Staggering to her feet and trying to ignore how the shuttle seemed to be spinning, Beverly only just managed to get to Kathryn’s side, kneeling by her head. Not finding a pulse, Beverly spun to dig for the medkit, throwing survival supplies haphazardly around the tiny shuttle. _Goddammit Kathryn don’t you die on me._

She frantically waved the tricorder over Kathryn’s prone form; finding her okay to move and her pulse there albeit thready, Beverly hauled Kathryn and the medkit into her arms and carried her from the shuttle to a nearby cave. Laying her just inside the cave, Beverly took a deep breath and continued her medical examination. As she scanned for internal injuries, a loud shrill beep emanated from the tricorder.

“NO Kathryn – no!” Beverly felt her own heart skip a beat as she raced to restart Kathryn’s heart, using a hypospray before reverting to antiquated CPR. Using her body weight with each push to Kathryn’s chest, Beverly felt tears start to run down her face with each passing second with no response. “Dammit Kathryn – breathe – don’t you die on me.”

She lowered her mouth to Kathryn’s and pushed all her breath into unresponsive lungs. “KATHRYN. No, Kathryn!”

Repeating the cycle for nearly five minutes, Beverly collapsed onto Kathryn. “You cannot leave me here. You can’t die. You can’t leave me, Kathryn, you can’t. You promised.”

The staticy crackle of their combadges broke through her sobs.

“Voyager to Sacajawea, do you read us?”

Beverly gasped a deep breath before answering. “Yes, Voyager. How far are you? I have an emergency here.”

“We’re in orbit, Doctor. We’ve located you but transporters won’t function in the storm. An away team is on its way to the surface now.”

Choking back sobs, Beverly rasped out one final statement. “Tuvok, Kathryn’s dead. We have to get her to sickbay – maybe the EMH and I can revive her.”

She didn’t hear the reaction of the bridge crew, but the nearly full minute it took for him to respond and the hesitance showing through his usual Vulcan calm was evidence enough. The crew was as in pain as she. “The away team should be with you in minutes. Doctor, good luck.”

“Acknowledged. Thank you.”

She pulled Kathryn’s body into her arms and rocked back and forth, tears falling to the captain’s jacket, further staining it. _You promised me. You promised me you’d be okay. You promised you wouldn’t leave. Why? Why, Kathryn? Please don’t die. You can’t die._ How much time it took, she’s never know, but at some point, a pair of strong arms wrapped her from behind and eased her arms from Kathryn as the EMH got her ready to be moved to the shuttle.

Chakotay, to his credit, did try to console a frantic Beverly, but the tears falling from his own eyes really didn’t help matters. Beverly kept trying to help but the EMH had warned Chakotay before their arrival that her trauma wouldn’t be helpful; Chakotay gently held her back, trying to ease her tension, but ended up with his arms full of Beverly as she finally snapped and sobbed into his shoulder. He rubbed her back and tried to calm them both as the EMH worked quietly.

His gasp caused both Chakotay and Beverly to be by his side in a flash.

“The cortical stimulator is working! I’m getting a weak pulse but there is something inhabiting her brain – she’s putting up a fight, though.”

Beverly quietly gasped from the side, holding Kathryn’s hand, as she registered a tiny but noticeable squeeze. “She’s coming back!”

“I’ll use cordrazine along with the stimulator.”

As the EMH worked, Chakotay watched Beverly as she focused on Kathryn’s face and silently pressed a kiss to her hand before pressing it to her cheek, leaning into her palm as if hoping for comfort from her prone captain. He reached across Kathryn’s still form and rested his hand on Beverly’s knee, drawing her attention from Kathryn’s face. “She’ll fight this, Doctor.”

Beverly just gave a small grim smile and returned her gaze to Kathryn. “She has to. She just has to.”

The EMH worked, growing frustrated as the presence waxed and waned with no real pattern. Beverly inched closed to the EMH each time Kathryn’s eyes fluttered, ending up nearly resting her chin on his holographic shoulder, reading everything over his shoulder as her mind cleared and turned back to doctor mode.

“Doctor, try a thoron pulse when it gets stronger again.”

Chakotay’s gaze snapped to Beverly’s face, admiration spreading as he realised she had drawn herself back and focused on how to heal.

As the EMH set the pulse and released it as the presence grew again, Kathryn’s eyes fluttered open again and her hand brushed along Beverly’s. “Mmm…what happened?”

Beverly choked down a sob to answer. “You and I were caught in a magnetic storm and crashed here – you…you died in my arms twice before the EMH and Chakotay got here to begin treating you.” She dropped her gaze to the ground and drew back. _A storm I probably could have noticed if I wasn’t busy yelling at you for doing your job._ Beverly pushed herself up from the ground, suddenly desperate for fresh air.

The EMH glanced up, concern etched in his features before explaining the rest to the captain, slightly annoyed as her attention followed Beverly and not his heroic tale.

\---------------------------------

Kathryn watched as Beverly tried to revive…herself?

“Beverly? That’s not me! I’m here! Look at me – I’m he –” Kathryn tried to place her hand on Beverly’s shoulder but it just went through.

Kneeling by her doctor’s side, Kathryn felt tears slip down her cheeks as Beverly called in Kathryn’s death and requested a beam-out to sickbay. Somehow, She found herself, too, whisked away and watching a flurry of action around her biobed. With each failed attempt, Kathryn felt a pang in her heart _. Looks like you’re going to get my funeral after all, Doctor._ She tried to stalk away, but found herself unable to leave Beverly’s side, no matter how she pushed or shoved away from the doctor.

At the official notation of Kathryn’s death, Kathryn was forced to follow Beverly as she retreated to her quarters. Kathryn purposely walked as far behind as she could, pressing against whatever boundary kept her tethered to the doctor. With her arms crossed and feet stomping, Kathryn hurled insults at the doctor’s hasty retreat.

_I do hope you’re happy. Looks like you’ll get to treat yourself to my funeral, isn’t that just great? Maybe you’ll get lucky and you’ll get to be the first officer, hmm? Weren’t you just biting for a promotion? Or perhaps were you waiting to sleep with the boss first before asking for one? Too bad you never got that chance while I was around._

She purposely stood outside Beverly’s quarters, not bothering to go in. _I don’t want to deal with you right now anyway._ She crossed her arms and slid down the wall, perfectly content to brood in peace. She was, at least, until she heard muffled sobs.

Leaping to her feet, she flew through the door to fall to a kneel before Beverly’s sobbing figure in the corner of the room. She frantically tried to console her, all anger quickly vanishing. Kathryn noted her own tears as she couldn’t help Beverly, eventually stuck kneeling with her own sobs wracking her figure as she helplessly watched the doctor fall to pieces. The two of them sat, mirrored, for nearly an hour.

Eventually, Beverly shifted to lay on the ground, hands behind her head as she watched the stars fly past her viewport.

“I didn’t mean it, Kathryn.”

Kathryn whipped her head toward Beverly before feeling fresh tears as she realised Beverly wasn’t actually talking to her. Despite that, Kathryn stretched out and adjusted to lay as closely to Beverly as she could, her hand just brushing over hers in a ghost of an embrace.

“I didn’t want you do die. You are…were an excellent captain. Your crew love…loved you and how much you do…did for them. Dammit Kathryn. Why?”

Kathryn turned to watch Beverly’s face twist with emotions as she ranted to the abyss.

“I should have seen that storm. This is my fault.”

_This isn’t your fault, Beverly. I shouldn’t have gone. You were right. I need to be more careful._

“You’re probably insisting that it’s not my fault. Stop. It was and we both know it.” Beverly sighed before continuing.

“I love you, you selfless idiot.”

Kathryn gasped and recoiled to stare at the stars, not breathing as she registered her thoughts. _It wasn’t just me, then? Oh god._ Carefully inching her hand to the side again, she arched her pinky over the doctor’s in some faint modicum of comfort even if just for herself.

“Everyone I love is taken from me. I should have known.”

_I’m so sorry. I love you._

“You promised you wouldn’t leave me.”

_I shouldn’t have said that. You know I’d fight to be by your side again._

“But you did. I should be angry…but I’m only sorry. Sorry I didn’t get to tell you myself.”

_I’m so sorry._

“I love you.”

_I love you._

\---------------------------------

After a lengthy examination in sickbay, Kathryn found herself in her quarters after a quick sail on Lake George with Chakotay. Beverly, however, was nowhere to be found. Three hails went unanswered the computer revealed only that Beverly was on-board – her location was masked no matter what code Kathryn used. _Where are you, Beverly?_

One long bath and two glasses of wine later, she gave up on the doctor and flopped across her bed to watch the stars fly by. She tucked her hands behind her head, reflecting the time she spent with her interpretation of a grieving Beverly.

Sometime later, Kathryn jerked awake and pulled away from the hand on her shoulder. Nearly flipping off the edge of the bed, she reached out to grab that same hand to steady herself. She looked up and found herself looking into the highly concerned eyes of the very person of her thoughts. “Beverly?”

“Kathryn.”

Kathryn sat up and crossed her legs while hastily rearranging her pyjamas. “Where have you been all evening? I’ve been trying to find you…I needed to talk to you.” She cast her gaze down, hurt and trying to box away a creeping sense of rejection.

Not getting a response, Kathryn peeked up; Beverly, too, had cast her gaze down and focused on her twisting hands. She bit her lip, seemingly far away in thought.

Kathryn reached out and touched her forearm, just as she had in the shuttle. “Beverly?”

Beverly startled and jerked away from Kathryn’s touch, only to reach out and grab her hand as Kathryn tried to retreat, hurt again. “I’m sorry.”

Kathryn’s eyebrow rose, questioning.

“I’m sorry for what I said, or at least how I said it. You’re _Voyager_ ’s captain – you have to do your job and I understand that. Your decision kept us here and I understand that it’s a burden you have to bear. I…it’s just hard to watch you get hurt so many times. I held you as you died, Kathryn.” Beverly situated herself to sit knee to knee with Kathryn and stroked her cheek, smiling as Kathryn’s eyes shut as she leaned into her touch. Beverly took a deep breath to steady her inner turmoil before continuing. “You died in my arms after I said the cruellest things to you. You died because I was too busy insisting on things you can’t change and didn’t do my own job. I let you down and you paid the price with your _life_ , Kathryn.”

“You were right, though.”

“Kathryn, don’t patronise me.”

Kathryn sighed. “I am too reckless and I do take the con on too many missions. I…I push myself to be better for the crew, for you, and I do need to take at least a half step back. I have a crew and I need to remember that. I’m no use to anyone if I’m dead – I’m going to need your help, though. So, I’m sorry, too.” Kathryn dropped Beverly’s hands and dropped her gaze back to her hands. “When I was unconscious, I saw you.”

“You were dead, not unconscious. I don’t quite know what you mean? You saw me holding your body? I suppose there are generations of stories involving out of body experiences?”

“No. I saw you try to save me in sickbay and I saw myself die. The alien made me live through my own death and watch the crew react. I followed you to your quarters and I watched you grieve, Beverly. I…I promised you I wouldn’t leave you and I did.”

“I shouldn’t have let you make that promise, especially not here in this hell of a quadrant.”

Kathryn reached for Beverly’s hands again. “Bev? I’m not going to leave you. I have a reason to stay, a reason to fight.”

Beverly stared at Kathryn, holding her breath, breath that flew from her lungs as Kathryn continued.

“I love you.”


	8. Scientific Method

Beverly sat against the headboard, wrapped in a quilt as she stared out at the passing stars. Rolling from under the other comforter, Kathryn stretched herself across Beverly’s legs and wrapped one arm around her back to keep her close, even in sleep. Beverly brushed Kathryn’s hair from her face and smiled as she snuggled closer, her soft sleepy breaths tickling Beverly’s stomach. Noting it with concern, Beverly frowned as Kathryn’s face crumpled in pain. She reached down and gently rubbed Kathryn’s forehead, trying to ease the sudden cringe. _You haven’t been sleeping well, love. I wish I knew how to fix this._ Beverly had tried nearly everything she could think of, even increasing the caffeine in the captain’s coffee, but to no avail. It was a rare moment when Kathryn wasn’t in pain, and an even rarer moment when she actually slept as she was now.

“You’re thinking too loudly, Bev.” Kathryn opened one sleepy eye to peer up at Beverly, and she frowned at the worried look on her face. “Bev, I’m fine. It’s a headache, nothing I haven’t had before.”

Beverly gently lifted Kathryn and she slid down to wrap her arms around her shoulders. Kissing the top of her head, Beverly whispered. “I know but that doesn’t mean I can’t worry anyway. It’s kind of my job, you know.”

Kathryn tucked her nose into the crook of Beverly’s neck before placing a kiss there, too. “I just don’t need a doctor _and_ a captain not sleeping consistently… I don’t want Mr. Paris to get any more gossip fodder than he already has, mmm?”

The last hum sent a shiver down Beverly’s spine. “You know…if he already assumes why we aren’t sleeping…who’s to say we don’t prove him right?”

Kathryn laughed and nudged Beverly’s ribs in indignation.  “Beverly! You’re hopeless!”

Beverly grinned and lifted Kathryn’s chin with a finger. “Your point?” Her voice dropped an octave. “You didn’t seem to mind last night.”

Kathryn attempted to glare, but her gaze kept flicking down to Beverly’s mouth. Beverly, in turn, utilised the lack of an answer to the best of her ability, suddenly rolling over Kathryn to loom above her with a Cheshire smile. Still not getting any more of a response beyond Kathryn’s increased heart rate and a dazed look in her eyes, Beverly leaned down and kissed her. Slowly kissing her top lip and then her lower, Beverly pulled back just enough to see a smile creep across Kathryn’s face before tilting her head and kissing her firmly.

As Kathryn’s tongue traced across Beverly’s lips, she gasped, pulling Kathryn up and closer as her hands started wandering. Beverly started kissing across Kathryn’s jaw before pausing to pull on her earlobe as Kathryn’s hands pressed their bodies close. As Beverly’s kisses trailed down her neck and grew increasingly longer and harder, Kathryn moaned and tangled her hands in Beverly’s hair, guiding her ever lower.

\---

Kathryn lay spread across the pallet in her quarters as Beverly tried to massage the knots away. Despite heated oil and candles gently lighting the room, not to mention Beverly’s hands doing positively wicked things, Kathryn just wasn’t relaxing. With a sigh, she sat up, completely neglecting to wrap the towel around her before she dropped her head to Beverly’s chest.

“Kathryn?” Beverly gently rubbed up and down Kathryn’s back as she felt for more knots. _Maybe I missed one?_

Heaving a sigh, Kathryn replied softly. “It’s just no use. I can’t relax and my headache feels like hot needles driving into my skull and I’m exhausted and I can’t eat but I’m hungry and the crew is being rash and annoying and if I have to fill out one more report I’m going to scream.”

Beverly gave a sympathetic hum and rested her chin on the top of Kathryn’s head as she hugged her close. “I’m so sorry Kathryn…there’s nothing else I can do.”

“I know.” She sighed again. “I just…need a day off or something.”

“We could always take a d - ”

“Bridge to the captain.” The computer broke through their gentle discussion in a nearly blaring volume. Kathryn cringed into Beverly’s chest before slowly righting herself.

“This had better be an emergency, Commander.” She hoped her raspy tired tone didn’t carry through the com, but judging by Chakotay’s gentle response, it had. _Oh that’s just perfect._

“We've reached the source of those energy readings and I thought you'd like to see what we've found.”

 _Christ in a warp core. Why. Why can’t I have two hours to myself on this damned ship?_ She sighed and hopped down from the bed, heading toward the door. “On my way.”

“Captain!” Beverly shouted from behind and reached out to grab the quickly retreating Kathryn.

“What, Beverly? I have to go! I can’t _not_ go investigate!” She gestured toward the door as Beverly pulled her further from nearly triggering the opening mechanism.

“While I know I happen to appreciate your outfit, I can’t imagine Misters Paris and Chakotay will have anything…uh…civilised to say.”

Kathryn looked down at her splendidly nude body. _Oh._

**\---**

_I never realised you thought of me as reckless, Tuvok._

_A poor choice of words – it was clearly an understatement._

_Captain's log, Stardate 51244.3. With the aliens gone, the Doctor has been able to remove their devices from the crew and neutralise the genetic tags._

\---

With all the dignity most becoming of a Starfleet captain, Kathryn practically fell onto her bed, a long groan emanating as she stretched and felt her spine crack in at least seven places. Two gentle hands pushed her tank up and started rubbing the remaining tension from her back; Kathryn practically growled. Beverly grinned and straddled her hips and let her body weight rub the last knots away before kissing the dimples at the base of her spine. Leaving kisses behind, Beverly careful moved up her back, around her neck, and to the cheek of one smiling captain.

“And how was your day, dear Captain?”

Kathryn’s eyes snapped open and settled into a glare.

Beverly soothed the sudden anger with a kiss to her cheek and a gentle hug, considering she was still draped across her back. “I know, I know. I just thought I’d check to see if things were better.”

Kathryn turned under Beverly. “I spent the entire afternoon reading report after report containing far more information than I ever wanted to know about far too many crew members. Then, my replicator decided to quit producing coffee and I had to deal with a fight from a couple of ensigns from engineering, again.” She cut off her own tirade with a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take it out on you, I know.” She leaned up to kiss Beverly before pushing her back so she could sit up. “I love you.”

Beverly grinned and gently kissed Kathryn, both hands on her cheeks as she traced her cheekbones with her thumbs. “I love you, too, mon capitaine.”

Pulling the hem of her tank up and over her head, Kathryn gave a satisfying grin as it hit the opposite wall. “And how was your day, _sweetheart_?” She levied the pet name with the most obnoxiously sappy look she could muster, batting her eyelids and everything.

Beverly rolled her eyes before focusing on the lovely expanse of skin, newly bared to her wandering hands. She took care of that look easily with a few well-placed kissed and gentle strokes of her hands as she leaned Kathryn back onto the bed.


	9. Year of Hell - Part One

\---

_Commander, put the ship on twenty four hour tactical alert. Tuvok, analyse whatever data we've got on those chronoton torpedoes. See if you can modify our shielding. When those Krenim attack again, I want to be ready._

\---

**_Day 25, Captain and CMO’s Quarters_ **

Kathryn sighed as she entered her bedroom. Various tubes hung from the ceiling and debris covered her bed. Beverly gently wrapped her arms around Kathryn’s waist from behind and rested her chin on her shoulder.

“I know you mentioned redecorating, Kathryn, but this is a bit much, don’t you think?”

As Kathryn heaved another sigh and rested her head against Beverly’s temple, Beverly knew her joke fell flat. She unwrapped herself from Kathryn and moved to the edge of the bed, pulling the comforter down and causing a ruckus as metal sheeting clattered to the floor and dust flew around. She gently dropped onto the bed and stretched out the wrong way as to see out the viewport. She patted the space next to her before tucking her hands behind her head.

With a small smile gracing her face, Kathryn gently tucked herself next to Beverly, snuggling closer instead of watching the stars.

“Beverly?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you ever think about what would happen if we had gotten home?”

Immediately registering her use of past tense, Beverly tensed. “Kathryn?” Beverly shifted to lay on her side and gently trace Kathryn’s face with her fingertips.

Catching her hand with her own, Kathryn gently kissed her fingertips. “I’ve been thinking about home today, more than usual. I…” She trailed off and dropped her gaze as her cheeks reddened. “I…don’t know that I can get us home, Beverly.”

Beverly immediately tilted Kathryn’s chin up to meet her gaze. “Don’t even think that, Kathryn! If anyone can get us through this, it’s going to be you. Have you seen the crew lately? They aren’t as tired as they should be – that’s because you’re still strong. You haven’t given up and neither have they.” She kissed Kathryn’s forehead. “They believe in you. Your senior staff believes in you. I believe in you. You’ll get us home, yet, Kathryn.”

Blinking back tears, Kathryn hugged Beverly closer and tucked herself under Beverly’s chin. She pressed a kiss over her heart. “Thank you.”

Beverly rubbed Kathryn’s back, slowly and steadily. “You are most welcome. Any time you need a reality check, love, you know where to find me, okay?”

Kathryn chuckled and just hugged her a little bit harder.

“You asked me what I thought would happen when we got home? I…I dreamed once that we were married and had a beautiful baby girl. She looked just like you, Katie, and she smiled up at me when you handed her to me.”

Kathryn’s head shot up. “Katie?”

Beverly puzzled for a moment before recognition flitted across her face and she flushed. “I called you Katie in the dream. I’m sorry.”

Kathryn held her gaze for a moment as she thought it through. She wasn’t one for nicknames…and yet…she broke into a huge smile. “I think I like it.”

Beverly’s face lit up with a smile of her own before she moved to hover over Kathryn and kissed her grin. “Good. You’ve been Katie in my mind for…probably longer than I should admit.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “Anything else you’ve been hiding from me, Doctor?”

“I…” Beverly dropped her gaze again before resolving herself. She raised her gaze again and spoke quietly but firmly. “We were married.”

Kathryn drew in a sharp breath and her eyes widen. _Married?_

Beverly flushed again and rolled off Kathryn and to the side, staring back out the viewport. _Stupid stupid Beverly._

After nearly five minutes, Beverly nearly missed the soft whisper from her side, partially convinced she was just making it up in her head. “I’d like that.”

Beverly turned back to her side. “What?”

Kathryn twisted to lay her side with her head propped on her hand, meeting Beverly’s gaze as a smile slowly grew across her face. “I said, I’d like that.”

Blinking away tears as quickly as they formed, Beverly leaned to kiss Kathryn. Pulling back, she entwined her hand with Kathryn’s to keep a connection. “I was thinking with all of this that I should wait until we got home to mention it.” Shame flitted across her face, even as she held Kathryn’s gaze.

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Kathryn leaned to kiss Beverly again. “I think I’ve wanted to hear that for a while.”

Beverly broke into a smile to match Kathryn’s. “Let’s do it, right now!”

Kathryn just raised her eyebrow. “How on earth do you propose we make that happen? Call Tuvok in the middle of the night? ‘Oh hello, my old friend. I was wondering if you could marry the dear Doctor and I right now?’ That’s ridiculous, Beverly!” She had sat up halfway through her dramatized tirade. She looked back down, expectant, at the calm doctor’s face.

Rolling away and off the bed, Beverly quickly strode to the dresser and rifled through a drawer and pulled something out with a triumphant shout. She crossed the room and quickly clamoured back to the middle of the bed and grabbed Kathryn’s left hand.

“Kathryn, I know this isn’t official and won’t go on the records, but I want to say it anyway, if that’s okay?” She paused and glanced up at Kathryn before smiling and brushing away a tear running down her face. Leaning into Beverly’s touch, Kathryn nodded but remained silent. “I love you, Kathryn, and I want to keep you safe and happy so long as I may live. I want to be your strength, if you’ll let me, your favourite pillow in the night, and maybe sometimes even your enemy as I take your coffee away when you’ve had too much. It isn’t much, but I’m giving you my grandmother’s ring as a promise. I won’t marry you while we are on Voyager, but rather as soon as we get home, because we _will_ get home.” She slid the ring onto Kathryn’s finger before raising it and kissing the knuckle just above the thin ring. Leaning forward, she then kissed Kathryn softly, smiling as she realised the tears she felt weren’t all just Kathryn’s.

Pulling back from Beverly, Kathryn in turn went to dig through the dresser. She returned with her own small packet in hand; she dug through the small bag to produce a ring she’d gotten on shore leave a few months ago – technically it had been for Phoebe. _You won’t mind too much, Phoebes, will you? I didn’t think so._ Sliding it onto Beverly’s hand, Kathryn began. “Beverly, I love you and I will stand by your side as we finally see home from the viewscreen on the bridge. I promise to keep you as safe as I can and to love you with everything I am. I want to be your favourite blanket in the night and your favourite headache when I’m being a pain, but I’ll be your pain. I might not be your official wife until we get home, which we _will_ , but I’ll be your wife as much as I can be while we are still here. I love you.” Beverly cut off her final declaration of love with a desperate kiss, pulling her across her body as she leaned backward.

Giggling ridiculously, Kathryn pulled back just enough to whisper against her wife’s lips. “I take that as a yes?”

Beverly silenced her with another kiss.

\---

**_Day 32, Deck Five_ **

_“Warning, structural collapse in ten seconds. Warning, structural collapse in five…”_

The EMH watched as Beverly ran around the corner at the end of the hall as the computer counted down.

_“Four…”_

She turned the corner locking stares with the EMH. She knew she was too late; she had too far to run and not enough time.

_“Three…_

He grimaced and slammed the door, leaving Beverly alone on the deck.

_“Two…”_

As the last seconds passed, she stood still and stared up, sending one final thought to the bridge, tears falling down her face as explosions started behind her, throwing her forward into more.

_“one…”_

_I love you_.

\---

**_Day 32, Bridge_ **

Kathryn picked herself up from the floor and demanded a report. Harry started rattling off damages but she cut him off before he could go farther.

“Casualties?”

Tuvok calmly started listing information as it registered through his console. “Reports are coming in. Twelve wounded, many of them critically. The Doctor is setting up a triage facility in the mess hall. One crew member was killed in the breach…” He paused here, and Kathryn turned, concerned by his unusual halt.

“Tuvok?”

“Doctor Crusher is dead.”

Kathryn stared for a minute before slowly turned back to face the viewscreen. She carefully crossed her legs and dropped her hands to her lap.

_I’ll have to let Beverly know and have her collect the downed crewman._

_Doctor Crusher._

_Didn’t he say Doctor Crusher?_

_Doctor Crusher is dead._

_Did he mean Beverly?_

_Beverly’s not dead._

_Beverly can’t be dead._

_Right?_

_She’s fine._

_She loves me._

_She can’t die._

_She’s fine._

She tapped her combadge.

“Janeway to Crusher.”

She patiently waited.

“Crusher please respond.”

She tapped it again.

“Beverly? Please respond.”

She reached to tap it again but a hand stopped her. Chakotay slowly knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. He gently stopped her from making a scene on the bridge, even as the crew respectively ignored the two of them.

“Kathryn.”

“She’s not actually…she can’t be…is she?” Kathryn’s eyes filled with tears as he gently gave her a sad smile as he nodded.

“She’s gone.”

His own tears fell down his cheeks as he watched Kathryn process the news before it hit her. She seemed to crumble as reality set in and she just about fell into his open arms. She silently sobbed into his shoulder for a moment before she stiffened and pulled back.

She stood and yanked her uniform back into place and swept her hair from her eyes and tears from her cheeks. She cleared her throat and continued on as if nothing was wrong. “Stand down red alert. Assemble a security team. Survey the ship deck by deck. I want a full damage report. I'll be in my ready room…you have the bridge, what's left of it.” She tossed aside metal plating and strode away.

Standing in the midst of her destroyed ready room, Kathryn carefully pulled her ring off her finger, tracing the beginnings of what would have been a permanent mark there. Digging through a desk drawer, she pulled a chain out and looped it through the ring. She pulled it over her head and dropped the ring and necklace under her tank to keep it in line with regulations. Feeling the cool metal settle over her heart, she made a mental note to have the EMH save Beverly’s ring before they buried her.

_I love you. I will always love you._

\---

**_Day 33, Ready Room_ **

Kathryn finally had the reports regarding Beverly’s death. She skimmed them, not wanting details, still half in denial.

Upon reaching the EMH’s report, she nearly skipped it completely in fear of gory detail. As she went to set it aside, one phrase caught her attention.

_“I was unable to keep the door open long enough to save Doctor Crusher, and I had to react quickly to save the lives of the other crewmen. She nodded to me, aware I was not able to wait. As the door shut, I saw explosions throw her forward. For the official record, I would like to state that I regret not allowing her to enter the Jeffries tube but understand that I made the right decision.”_

Kathryn dropped the padd, not hearing it hit the desk as she threw her chair back and stormed out and across the bridge. Chakotay stood and asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t hear him, either, and certainly didn’t notice his running to get into the turbolift with her.

She didn’t hear his multiple concerned inquiries and didn’t notice that she sprinted to the mess hall. Scanning the room, she found the EMH in the back corner, looking through a pile of supplies. She stormed across the room and yanked his arm, spinning him to face her.

“You let her die.” She managed to keep her tone low and level, much to her own admiration.

The EMH seemed to pale. “Captain, I didn’t have a choice.”

“You. Let. Her. Die.”

He backed up, hitting the table and nearly sitting on it. “Captain, you read the report, I presume? You saw – I didn’t have a choice! I needed to save your crew members.” He nervously glanced over her shoulder to a nearby Chakotay, who seemed to be doing his best to look like he wasn’t hanging on every word.

“You. Let. Her. Die.”

The EMH gulped. “Captain…I…”

She lunged and started at his chest with her fists, violently shoving him backward and punctuating every word with another hard shove. “YOU. LET. MY. WIFE. DIE.”

Chakotay leapt forward and pulled her off the EMH who paled even more – he wisely didn’t comment on her wording.

Kathryn struggled against Chakotay’s strong grasp. “Let me GO! He killed Beverly! He killed my Beverly! Let me go, Chakotay, before you BOTH end up in the brig! LET ME GO!” She continued to struggle and threw all sorts of insults at both men before finally running out of steam. As she slumped in Chakotay’s arms, he gently turned her. Tipping her chin up, he saw tears streaming down her face. She looked up to meet his gaze and her lip quivered.

He pulled her into his arms as sobs overtook her frame and echoed through the messhall.

\---

**_Day 47, Bridge_ **

Kathryn stood in front of her two crewmen, doing her best to not let her grief show. She played with the two rings on the chain around her neck while they rattle through their new plan.

“Transverse bulkheads. We've set up emergency force fields between all decks and every section. In the event of a cataclysmic breach most of us will be protected.” Chakotay noted her fidgeting and made note to ask her later; he was pretty sure he knew exactly what those were.

Distractedly waving her hand, Kathryn half-heartedly responded. “Ingenious.”

“Actually, you can thank Mister Paris. He came up with the idea.”

Chakotay had warned him to be careful and was happy to note that Paris seemed to be on his best behaviour as he gestured through his plan. “I was inspired by an ancient steamship, the Titanic. The engineers of the day constructed a series of special bulkheads, sort of like a honeycomb, that would lower into place if they suffered a major hull breach. In theory, they could stay afloat even with half the ship filled with water.”

“The Titanic? As I recall, it sank.”

“Let's just say I've made a few improvements.”

She smiled and it almost reached her eyes as she squeezed her helmsman’s shoulder. “I knew your fixation with history would come in handy someday. Good work.” As Tom was called away to the messhall, Kathryn slumped minutely against the console. Chakotay reached out and grabbed her hand before gesturing to her ready room. She gave a resigned sigh and waved for him to lead the way.

As the doors creaked shut behind them, Chakotay cut right to the point. “Those rings, Kathryn.”

“It seems you already know, Commander. I keep them under my uniform, as per regulation, so there’s not a problem.”

“I’m not here to grouch about uniform regulations, Kathryn. That’s your job.” He carefully stepped forward, suddenly quite aware that she looked like an animal backed into a corner. He reached out and gently removed the rings from her nervous fingers and examined them. “Beverly came to me two weeks before she died.” He hesitated at Kathryn’s sharp intake of breath before she nodded for him to continue. “She had this ring and wanted my permission to marry you.”

She looked up at him in shock.

“Joking, Kathryn. She laughed when I assumed that was what she wanted. She said you’d never stand for, and I quote, ‘that show of misogynist chivalry,’ if I remember correctly. She actually just wanted to know if I thought it was a good time to ask, and if I’d be willing to perform the ceremony, with only the senior staff as witnesses. She assumed you didn’t want everyone there.”

He gave her a sad smile before continuing. “I said that there was nothing you’d like more, even though you never discussed it with me. Whenever you were even just thinking about her, you were so much at peace, Kathryn. I’m…I’m glad you talked before she left.”

She started in nothing more than a whisper. “She had a dream we had a family, Chakotay. An actual family. She dreamed we got home.” Kathryn stared at the floor as she brokenly continued. “We had one week. One week of being officially together with the stars as our only witnesses before this damned month of hell took her from me.” Her breaths started to break and catch over her words. “We were supposed to get home and be happy and have a daughter but instead I’m here and she’s not and we’re losing more crew every day, Chakotay. How am I supposed to keep going?” As she reached the end, sobs broke through her body and Chakotay gently wrapped her into his strong arms, rubbing her back as she grieved.

\---

_Captain's Log, Stardate 51268.4. This morning's attack destroyed the power grid on deck eleven. No casualties this time, but the replicator system was badly damaged - we've gone to emergency rations. As a result, the situation has gotten a little worse. Environmental controls continue to fail. Seven decks have been rendered uninhabitable and we've had to relocate the crew. Quarters are close, nerves are frayed, and I'm not sure what's more difficult to maintain - Voyager's systems or the crew's morale. What's important is that we're together working toward a single goal._

_\---_

**_Day 65, Bridge_ **

Kathryn had completely zoned in on her work, successfully avoiding any thoughts of _her_ for the past two days. Then again, that might have also been assisted by her lack of sleep – she no longer went to her quarters and instead stared at the stars from her pockmarked couch in her ready room. It was easier, that way, to avoid reminders of _her_.

Chakotay carefully knelt next to her as she tried to fix something. “Happy birthday.”

She didn’t even look up. “Happy what?”

“Today is May 20th.”

She looked up quickly. “Is it? I thought we were still in April. Guess I've lost track of the time.” She went back to her work, trying not to remember the plans they had worked up to celebrate her birthday in Paris.

He noted the tense lines that formed around her eyes and mouth at his words and carefully continued. “Well, this should help.”

She finally stopped working for a moment, reaching for the brilliant silver pocketwatch. As its weight settled in her hand, her birthday and loneliness got a bit more real. She stroked over the details with her thumb and dully responded. “It’s beautiful.”

“Nineteenth century, mechanical movement. It's a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy; his ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed but eight months later Cray sailed his ship into London harbour. There wasn't much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home. 

She looked up, sharply, before shoving it back at him. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't keep this. Recycle it. Can't afford to waste energy on nonessentials.”

He sighed, expecting that response. “Kathryn, I replicated this months ago. I've been saving it. I wanted you to have it.” His unspoken wishes for her to feel something, anything again translated through but she shook her head.

“That watch represents a meal, a hypospray, or a pair of boots. It could mean the difference between life and death one day.”

He stood, resigned, before kneeling again. He glanced around the bridge and finding no one watching, he gently kissed her temple.

Her eyes shut as she leaned into the contact. When he pulled back, she looked up with a grim smile and a whispered thank you, one soft enough to be covered by the noise of repairs but just loud enough for him to catch. With a small smile, he stood, squeezed her shoulder, and strode away to his quarters.

**_Day 70_ **

After both Tom and Chakotay were abducted, Kathryn retreated to her ready room, what was left of it. She collapsed into the chair behind the remains of her desk and watched the stars through a flickering force field, one that had been necessary for a few weeks, now.

 _I don’t know what to do, Beverly._ Her fingers fiddled with the rings again. _I lost Chakotay now, too. You both promised to stand by my side, and yet, here I am, and I’m certainly not seeing either of you. I know it’s not your fault, but it still stings, no matter how I try._

_How?_

_How am I supposed to get them home?_

_Is it time to break up my family?_

_I need you, Beverly. I need your help._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

\---

**_Day 73, Mess Hall_ **

_Each of you has done their best, but determination alone isn't going to hold this ship together. It's time we faced reality. We've lost nine decks…more than half the ship has been destroyed…life support is nearly gone. Voyager can no longer sustain its crew. I promised myself that I would never give this order, that I would never break up this family, but asking you to stay…would be asking you to die. You will proceed to the escape pods and evacuate this vessel. Set your course for the alpha quadrant. Along the way, try to find allies, secure faster ships if you can, anything to get home. The senior staff and I will remain on board as long as possible. We will try somehow to rescue Tom and Chakotay. The escape pods are equipped with subspace beacons. That's how we'll keep track of you. When we find each other again – and we will – we will find each other again, I expect all of you to be in one piece with some interesting stories to tell._

_Good luck._

\---

**_To be continued._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the end of what I had already written. Let me know what you think so far?


	10. Year of Hell - Part Two

_**And now, the conclusion.** _

\---

**_Day 133, Bridge_ **

\---

_Captain's Log, Stardate 51425.4. Our condition has left us vulnerable to spatial anomalies and to any alien species eager for a piece of hardware. We've taken refuge in a class nine nebula._

\---

Kathryn flitted around the bridge, working with B’Elanna to transfer power to their one good nacelle. The EMH followed in her wake, attempting to convince her to relax for full treatment, but she kept giving him the cold shoulder. _I’m pretty sure there’s at least one medkit in our…my quarters. I’ll go after we get power where we need it._

“The alveoli in your lungs have been chemically burned. I want you off your feet for the next forty eight hours.”

She continued to work, letting his comment bounce off her back, not even acknowledging him.

He scoffed and placed a hand over hers to still it. “There are seven other crew members on board. You're Captain. Delegate.”

Brushing his hand from hers, she kept going, muttered over her shoulder at him. “Inject me with trioxin. That should help me breathe a little easier. B'Elanna, stand by for the transfer.”

“Trioxin is used in emergency situations as a stop-gap measure. Your lungs have suffered serious damage. They need to be treated properly. Doctor's orders.” He set his hand over hers again.

Absolutely furious now, Kathryn stood, toe to toe with the EMH. “Captain's orders. Trioxin. Now.” She stared him down, willing him to fight, almost wishing for it. She needed a good yell, it seemed. _Don’t. Don’t yell. Don’t do it. You’re being ridiculous._

“Aye, aye. It's your body. Who am I to judge? I'm only the Chief Medical officer. What do I know?”

 _No. Don’t – don’t ye-_  “You are the Chief Medical Officer because you let my wife die. You would not have been harmed as you held the door open longer to let her scramble through. She would have been injured but she would be alive. She’s dead and you’re to blame. Now, GET. OFF. MY. BRIDGE.” He quickly gave her the hypospray to take care of herself, gathered his kit, and left her to stew in her own anger.

 _…so much for not yelling_. A hand touched her forearm and jerked her from her angry stupor. She looked to B’Elanna’s face with a small grimace. “I’m sorry you heard that.”

“It’s okay, Captain.”

“I’m going to have to apologise later.”

“Nah. Let him have it for a while.”

Kathryn shook her head and chuckled before returning to her work. _The stress isn’t making you nicer, you know. You just snapped for no reason – remember to apologise, Kathryn. Or not…sigh._

\---

**_Day 189, Deflector Control_ **

She pried the doors open only to fling herself against the opposite walls. _You have got to be kidding me._   “Oh, why do I get the feeling you're testing me, _Voyager_? Bridge, there's a fire in deflector control. Any luck with the engines?”

_“The warp core's still offline.”_

_“Micro-meteoroid density is increasing. The nacelle pylon is buckling.”_

She took a deep breath, knowing this wouldn’t go without protest. “Bridge, I'm going in. Stand by to engage the Deflector. Tell the Doctor I'll be coming back with severe burns.” _And he’d better heal them properly…like he should have for Beverly. No. Now’s not the time._

 _“_ _Captain.”_ Tuvok’s voice nearly projected worry over the com.

“Do it.” She steeled herself and grabbed a large section of what appeared to be wall. Steeling herself, she glanced up, speaking to her ship. “Be kind.”

Jumping into the fire, she felt the flames lick up her arms and bite across her face. _Christ in a warp core – it wasn’t supposed to be this hard._ She ignored the pain and glanced around, trying to see the panel. _Oh Beverly, help me._

Squinting further, she dropped her shield; the metal overheated and seared into her palm and took far more skin with it than she cared to acknowledge as it fell to her foot, cracking at least two bones that she could tell at the moment. Limping to the panel, she managed to find the wall panel and jerk it open. Stabilising the particle emitters just before she slipped, Kathryn fell back, sprawled across the floor.

 _“_ _Bridge to Janeway. Captain, please respond.”_

She tried to reach her combadge but her arms felt so heavy, kind of like her eyelids, and she was pretty sure she was being crushed across the chest. Her eyes flickered shut as one last agonising pain shot up her side.

_I’m so sorry, Beverly._

_\---_

**_Day 180, Messhall_ **

_Jesus. Everything hurts._

_Is it supposed to hurt this much, Beverly?_

_The messhall?_

_I’m alive?_

Kathryn eased herself awake and slowly sat up. The EMH quickly crossed to her side, both concerned and furious. She tried to clench her hands but stopped as the hard scar tissue felt like it was ripping from the inside out. _That’s okay. I didn’t need my hands anyway._ “What's my condition?”

He tsked and looked her over, cataloguing each movement that caused a flicker of pain to show in her face, even as she tried to hide and brush of her near death. Again. “You suffered third degree burns over approximately sixty percent of your body, not to mention a broken foot. I've healed most of the burns, and all of your foot, but without a dermal regenerator I couldn't repair all the damage to your skin. You've been left with scars on your face and arms.”

Grimacing, she looked her hands over, turning them to see all sides. “I'll consider them mementos.”

As she tried to leave, he kept her behind under the excuse she needed observation.

She spun in the doorway in disbelief. “Is there something else wrong with me?”

“Not physically.”

She nearly allowed her jaw to drop. “What are you suggesting?” _Don’t. Don’t go there, Doctor, if you know what’s good for you._

He steeled himself and rattled off his list. “Traumatic stress syndrome. Symptoms. Irritability, sleeplessness, obsessional thoughts, reckless behaviour. All of which you've demonstrated over the last few weeks, not to mention suffering crippling grief over losing both your spouse and best friend in the span of mere months.

Her chin raised in firm opposition. _I did not survive to listen to this…this…diatribe._ “My only obsession is with saving my ship, my people. If I've been taking some reckless chances in order to do that, it's hardly a medical condition. And, you _know_ you have no right to talk of Beverly. I don’t want to hear it again.”

“I'm not going to stand here while you rationalise another brush with death, and _Captain_ , don’t do I need to remind you that I lost a good friend that day as well? You aren’t the only one who lost someone.”

She softened a touch, but turned anyway, still ferociously angry at him for her. “You don't have to.” She left. She heard him try to relive her of command but she kept walking, not giving him even the satisfaction of her rebuttal. _I don’t have time for this. I don’t want to hear it. I know. I know I’m hardly keeping it together, but I’ll keep my people safe if it kills me._

**_Day 257, Voyager’s Bridge_ **

_Well my dear Kathryn, you certainly are going down with the ship, aren’t you? Get your final blaze of glory in and manage to be a damned hero in the process. Can’t wait to hear Starfleet’s reaction to this one. Captain Janeway – madwoman or hero? Even you can’t figure out which you are – always a good sign, mmm?_

_This really isn’t how I meant for this to end. I was hoping for something a little more quiet and dignified, less…firey. Less painful. Not this. This isn’t what I wanted. You were supposed to be here with me, holding my hand and telling me it was okay to go. Not this. Not this, Beverly. I’ve missed you._

_Funny how detailed a ship can be when up close. I never noticed how the deck is supported like that, almost like an accordion the way it’s buckling._

_Goodbye, my Voyager._

_Beverly?_

_I’ll see you soon, love._

_Have your arms open for me._

_I love you._

_\---_

**_Day 257, Mawasi vessel’s Bridge_ **

Two men stood shoulder to shoulder while they silently watched their ship, their home, crumple into the timeship and their captain die in an explosion larger than it should have been with its arcing flames and distended metals; the one other man stood stoically and watched it through their minds, silent tears falling from his unseeing eyes.

Her best friend stood with his hand pressed to his mouth as he watched the flames explode backward through the ship.

_I hope you find Beverly again. I’m so sorry._

\---

**_Day 1_ **

_Captain's Log, Stardate 51252.3. The past couple of weeks have been uneventful but we've made excellent progress on the new Astrometrics lab._

\---

**_May 20 th, Midnight_ **

Bolting upright, Kathryn held a hand over her heaving chest, trying to ignore the tears streaming down her face as she grasped to her right. Not finding Beverly, Kathryn’s breaths grew shorter, morphing to hyperventilation too quickly. She flung the covers away, ignoring the pocketwatch from Chakotay hitting the wall and crashing to the floor.

Darting to the bathroom, Kathryn found it empty. _Oh god. No. It’s not true. She’s alive. Beverly’s alive. She has to be alive. This isn’t true. It didn’t happen._

She staggered to the living room, falling to her knees as it, too, was empty. _No god no. Beverly can’t be dead. It was a dream. It had to be a dream. Calm down, Kathryn. Beverly is just…in sickbay or something…in the morgue perhaps. No. Don’t think like that._

She swayed in place on the floor before tipping forward, her face and hands on her knees as she desperately tried to regain control of her cascading thoughts.

_Beverly’s not dead. She had to work late, remember? No – she’s dead. No, alive. Knock this off, Kathryn, and just call for her._

Tripping to her feet, Kathryn staggered back to her bed, falling across it to reach her combadge on the nightstand.

“Janeway to Crusher.” _Could your voice be any more indicative that you’re crying? Oh god you’re still crying. Knock it off._

“Janeway to Crusher, please respond.” She tried to quell the rising panic in her throat again.

“Kathryn to Beverly. Where are you? Please respond _.” Jesus, she really is dead, isn’t she? Wait, ask the computer._

“Computer, locate Doctor Crusher.”

“Doctor Crusher is in the morgue.”

Kathryn leapt from the bed and grabbed her robe. _Wait, you can’t go in the halls like this. You’ll scare someone half to death. Death….dead…like Beverly._

Wrapping the robe tighter around her waist, Kathryn called for a site to site to sickbay.

As she rematerialized, Kathryn registered two things. One, that there was loud classical music threatening to burst her eardrums, and two, that…

“Beverly.” It came out as a gasp more than anything else. Her feet were moving before she fully registered Beverly’s presence. Wrapping her arms around the doctor’s waist, Kathryn felt Beverly awkwardly shift her research from her hands to the biobed. As her warm arms wrapped around her shaking tiny frame, sobs broke from Kathryn as she completely lost control.

\---

She’d been working on research, trying to complete an experiment before she turned in after Kathryn’s birthday dinner – not her best timing but she’d planned a weekend on the holodeck to make up for it. Hearing a garbled whisper of her name, she turned just in time to be nearly bowled over by a pink silk sobbing mess. Realising it was Kathryn wrapped around her waist, Beverly set down her research and held her as she gasped and cried, completely at a loss. She’d seen Kathryn in all sorts of moods but this? She felt Kathryn start to calm and gently reached to raise her chin from where it was tucked in her shoulder.

“Kathryn?”

Seeing Kathryn’s face start to crumple again, Beverly leaned back, perching on the biobed and pulling herself up. She patted her lap and Kathryn quickly climbed up and wrapped herself around the doctor again.

“Katie, what’s wrong?”

She felt Kathryn take a deep breath, steeling herself for something. Gently rubbing her back and wiping her tears, Beverly held her as she cried through the recounting of her dream and explained why she was so unsettled.

With a small smile, Beverly reached deep into her pocket and pulled out a thin silver band. “Oh Kathryn, I was planning to give this to you on the holodeck for our weekend…but I think you need it now. I’m not going anywhere and I’m here now. I’m not leaving.” As she slipped the ring onto Kathryn’s finger, she felt her start to cry again, but noted her tears fell around a brilliant smile.

“Aren’t you going to ask me properly?”

Throwing her head back with a laugh, Beverly then leaned forward and kissed her, gently cradling Kathryn’s face and stroking the tears away with her thumbs. “Kathryn, will you marry me?”

Letting out a most uncharacteristic but ever more endearing squeal, Kathryn moved to straddle Beverly’s legs. Between soft kisses to every inch of Beverly’s face, Kathryn continued a mantra of repeated yeses. Beverly’s dazzling smile grew with each yes; she grabbed Kathryn’s wandering hands and raised them to her mouth, gently kissing each.

“I love you.”

Kathryn kissed her again. “I love you, too. Now,” she clamoured off Beverly’s lap and leaned over the bed to kiss her once more. “I’m going back to bed. Thank you.”

With that, Kathryn vanished in the beam of a site to site, leaving Beverly to lean against the wall, fairly dazed from the encounter.

_That was…not at all what you expected, is it? Then again, it’s Kathryn. Does she ever do what you expect? I didn’t think so._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


	11. The Killing Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for taking a couple of weeks to get this up - I graduated college yesterday - I've been a bit busy! My many thanks to Claire and Ryn for making me get it done :D
> 
> Warnings - there is a bit of nudity (oops).
> 
> In reading this on my phone, I've noticed that italics don't show up at all... which kind of completely destroys the flow. Sorry about that! (Hopefully it's just me).

She shouldn’t have expected anything less from this hell forsaken quadrant, or so she thought it retrospect. _Hindsight is 20/20 after all, Kathryn. Honestly did you think you’d actually get there this time? I didn’t think so._

She took a deep breath and steadied her grip on Chakotay’s arm before looking up. Finding Beverly’s beautiful smile, she sighed and returned it, wholeheartedly. “Finally…” Chakotay chuckled, causing Kathryn to realise she’d mused aloud and sending a blush to her cheeks.

Reaching the end of the short aisle, Kathryn let go of his arm in favour of straightening Beverly’s jacket, smoothing non-existent wrinkles as she reached down for both of her hands. She peeked up at Beverly, and whispered. “I love you.”

Beverly’s smile grew even larger as she whispered back and brushed her thumbs over Kathryn’s knuckles. “I love you.”

Tuvok’s gentle voice vaguely registered in her head from her left; she was too wonderfully lost in Beverly to actually pay attention to the ceremony, and she had the words memorised anyway.

She watched Beverly’s gaze flit to Tuvok’s for just a second before she took a deep steadying breath. Kathryn smiled as Beverly squeezed her hands before starting her vows. _Oh love, you’re so beautiful -_ Lurching into Beverly’s arms, the floor seemed to fall from under Kathryn’s feet. _This has better be a goddamned joke._ She gathered her bearings and spun to whack Chakotay’s combadge, earning a grunt as she hit him probably harder than she needed to, frustration shining through. _Sorry, Chakotay._

“Janeway to bridge – REPORT.” Her voiced echoed around the small holodeck, the garden having vanished with the jolt.

“I’m sorry Ca- ” The transmission was cut off as the ship flew sideways, sending Kathryn flying across the floor. One look to Beverly and the two clamoured to their feet and ran to the turbolift. _The rest of you had better be right behind me, so help me God. As for you, dear interrupting aliens of some god forsaken kind, you picked the wrong day and you have hell to pay._

Pacing the tiny lift, she reached and started yanking snaps and zippers apart on her jacket, muttering a tirade marked by curses in at least five different languages. Two hands stilled her frantic own and gently reached inside to slide it down her arms. “Thank you.”

Beverly kissed the tip of Kathryn’s nose before stepping back to fold the jacket over her arm. “I figured I might help before you tore it to shreds. You…weren’t exactly focussing and I happen to like this uniform…very much.” Kathryn grinned as she noticed her long lingering and perusing look up her strong arms. “Very much indeed.”

Opting not to bother with words in their remaining seconds alone, Kathryn reached forward and pulled Beverly against her. She reached up with one hand to bring Beverly’s lips to her own, kissing her softly before tracing her mouth with the tip of her tongue. Beverly groaned and pushed Kathryn back farther and tilted her head to kiss her harder, helped by another jolt of the ship, pushing their bodies closer.

“Bridge.” At the computer’s intonation, Kathryn quickly pushed Beverly back before the door opened. Stepping onto the bridge, she barked orders as she wiped lipstick smudges from her face. _Damn Hirogen. Damn Delta Quadrant. Damn it all._ She grabbed onto the railing as Voyager heaved under the Hirogen’s fire; glancing sideways, she rolled her eyes. Beverly’s eyes hadn’t left her arms, flexing as she balanced against the heavy shots. _My beautiful idiot._

Registering the whine of transporters, Kathryn shook herself from her thoughts and spun around, only to find herself yanked from the floor and into the deathly hold of a Hirogen. Her last thoughts as she clawed at her throat, hoping she could free herself from the chokehold, faded as her gaze fell on Beverly’s panicked face as she, too, found herself picked up from the floor. A pinch to her upper arm was the last thing she registered, her eyesight blackening around the edges as she held Beverly’s gaze as long as she could. _I love you._

\---

As the two Hirogen discussed the fate of Janeway’s time in the Klingon program, Beverly carefully swept over her prone form, tricorders and regenerators at hand. Seeing their preoccupation with the discussion, she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Kathryn’s forehead. _I need you to live, Katie. I can’t keep seeing you in here._ She gently stroked a thumb over her recently healed cheekbone.

The Alpha glanced over and saw Beverly bent over Kathryn and immediately stormed over, shoving her backwards and away from the captain. “What do you think you’re doing, Medic?”

“Healing my captain…sir.” She left enough of a pause that, coupled with the glare, clearly indicated her exact level of respect.

He scoffed. “You’d best learn to control your impulses, prey. You’re too soft as it is.”

She scoffed, too, in return and brought herself toe to toe with the Alpha. _…Beverly…stop…stop before you say somethi-_ “You wouldn’t stand a chance against me, Hunter.” _..something stupid just like that._ She nearly clapped a hand over her mouth, but stood her ground at the last minute, the only giveaway being a small twitch of her fingers.

The Alpha glared for a moment before speaking to his Beta, not allowing his steely gaze to break with Beverly. “Prepare this prey for the World War Two simulation as well. We will bring the hologram online instead. Perhaps he’ll be more complacent and less emotional. You have made one too many mistakes, Human. Enjoy the hunt.”

Her eyes widened and she stepped back, but the Alpha’s large hands clamped over her shoulders as the Beta pressed a hypospray to her neck.

\---

Sending the SS officer on his way, Katrine sighed and leaned back in a chair, staring at the ceiling for a moment more. The door opened again and her breath caught, assuming the worst and that he was back. However, she soon found herself breathless for an entirely different reason. A tall woman was silhouetted in the light, hesitant to enter all the way. _My dear Katrine, look at those legs. No, stop that…then again…it’s been a long while, hasn’t it?_

She stood and walked to the door, sweeping into a bow and extending her hand to the woman. “Welcome to Le Coeur de Lion; I'm Katrine. I don’t believe I recognise you, Madame, and yet you seem familiar. Have we met?” Her breath caught again as the woman broke into a brilliant smile.

“I’m afraid not – I’ve only just arrived from New York and I heard this was the place to be at night.”

 _Ah an American. A beautiful American…with those legs…and that hair…knock it off Katrine._ “You’ve been informed correctly! Now, the first round is on me if you promise to leave the war outside and you tell me your name, hmm?

Beverly’s gaze dropped to their clasped hands and back up to Katrine’s face, watching a small blush cross her cheeks. “Beverly Howard, Katrine. I’ve been told French wines are the best and I’m here to test the theory!”

Katrine grinned and tucked Beverly’s hand in her elbow, leading her to the bar. “Tuvok – a bottle of Chateau LaTour, if you please, and make it the ’29.”

Tuvok’s eyebrows rose at the sight but he quickly went to retrieve the chilled bottle.

\---

After retrieving the wine, Tuvok carefully kept tabs on Katrine and the mysterious American. Katrine’s obvious and immediate comfort was slightly concerning considering how highly trained she was in not trusting right away. After most patrons filtered out after Annika’s act concluded, he observed those two still in quiet conversation, leaning toward each other, nearly folded over the table. He surmised the two would be in an embrace if only the table was not in the way. He sighed quietly and started replacing glasses as he wiped them. Catching Annika’s eye, he tilted his head toward the two in the corner. Her eyebrow raised in question, but she remained impassive. Perhaps he was overacting.

As he set the last glass back into its place, Katrine led the woman to the door. The stranger walked out the door, but turned back, catching it before it shut. She leaned in and kissed Katrine, lingering there with her hands gently tangling in Katrine’s hair, ruffling it. As she pulled back and left, Tuvok almost rolled his eyes at Katrine’s giddy smile and hand pressed to her mouth as she wandered back to the bar.

With a faraway look on her face, she leaned against the bar before turning to Annika. “mmm how’d we do?”

“Insufficient for a Saturday night. Twelve hundred forty seven francs and eighty one Reich marks.”

At Katrine’s still hazy look, Tuvok repeated Annika’s statement and fixed his boss with a glare. There was no time to get cozy with tourists with the war encroaching the village borders.

He carefully stood watch as she snapped to and argued with Annika about acquiring more explosives. He was pleased to note Katrine seemed to shake her distraction, until, that is, she turned back to him and noticed his upturned nose.

Attempting to cover his worry with issues about Annika, Tuvok did his best to clear his mind of the mysterious American.

She levelled a stare at him. “If you have suspicions, my old friend, let's hear them.”

With that, he knew she was aware of his concerns about the doctor as well. However, he didn’t think now was the time for that. “From the beginning, she's been argumentative, and on more than a few occasions she's disobeyed your direct orders.”

“She’s headstrong. Typical of the underground.”

“Nevertheless, her behaviour has threatened our identities.” 

“She's the only munitions expert we have, and she can carry a tune. We need her. Let's keep our eye on her. Have her followed for the next few days. If she is a Nazi infiltrator we'll have to eliminate her.” Katrine paused and walked around the bar to stand toe to toe with him. “Now, my old friend, out with it. What’s bothering you?”

He sighed but acquiesced. “You seemed quite close to that American tonight, Katrine. It is not your usual behaviour and I have reason to be concerned.”

She blushed but didn’t break his gaze. “It was one kiss, Tuvok.” She paused to twist her hands together, glancing down but flicking her eyes back to him before answering without a waver. “I trust her.”

He raised his eyebrow. “You hardly know her.”

“Tuvok, I don’t know why, but I trust her. She’s on our side.”

He shifted on his feet and gently touched her shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. She stared at the hand and looked back up, startled at his untypical touch. “I believe you, Katrine. Just proceed with caution. We are too close to a breakthrough in this war for someone to infiltrate now, understood?”

She gently patted his hand before he pulled it back. “No need to worry, my friend.”

\---

Katrine wandered the street, doing her best to look the part of just a simple barkeeper enjoying the sun before work. Between smiling to other locals, she scanned the streets, wary of Nazi presence. She’d woken this morning with an unsettled feeling in her stomach and decided to meet Neelix in the street.

She suddenly found herself thrown against a building wall as two Nazis stopped escorting a woman to search Neelix’s foodstuffs. One of the guards had used the butt of his gun to ram her ribs to push her aside. Sliding to the ground, she clutched a hand to her chest, willing her heart to slow and she tried to ignore the pain in her side as fire seemed to wrap around her lungs. Opening her eyes, she found herself face to face with the American from the night before.

Beverly’s face hovered in her view as she measured Katrine’s pulse. Considering it was Beverly doing the doctoring, she wasn’t surprised her heart rate wasn’t slowing.

“Katrine, I need you to take deep breaths for me, okay? I need to make sure they didn’t break your ribs.” As she prodded and poked, Katrine groaned and pushed her hand away.

“I’m fine. Sore, but fine. Help me up, would you?” Beverly quickly stood and leaned down, extending her hands. As Katrine stood, she noticed Neelix quickly glance her way before resuming course to Le Coeur. She brushed her dress down and pinned a few loose strands of hair back before two hands covered hers.

“Let me help?” Phrased as a question, Beverly looked hesitant but Katrine just gave her a crooked smile and dropped her own hands. She turned and glanced over her shoulder as Beverly started tucking curls back into some semblance of order. With a small triumphal hum and a gentle pat, Beverly indicated she was done.

Katrine turned and looked up at her, grinning as she looped her arm through the doctors. “I do believe, my dear doctor, that we deserve a drink after that, don’t you?”

Beverly pulled her arm just a bit more snugly as she fell into step. “I do believe, my dear Katrine, that you might just be right. Lead the way!” She grinned down at Katrine, who was busy glorying in the butterflies in her stomach.

Nearly at the door, Katrine came to a sudden halt, realising her crew were working inside. Quickly grabbing Beverly’s hand, she pulled her around to the back door. Peeking inside, she turned back. “The cleaning staff don’t like to be bothered…um…when they’re working.” Why exactly she felt like lying, she wasn’t sure, but then again with this woman around, she couldn’t really think logically about anything.

Beverly raised her eyebrow but didn’t comment, rather enjoying sneaking like teenagers. As Katrine gently shut the door behind them, Beverly stood close, towering over her. Gasping as her back hit the door, Katrine felt a bolt of arousal go straight between her legs. As Beverly stepped closer, her hands started on Katrine’s waist and slowly stroked up to rest on her cheeks.

Katrine’s eyes fluttered shut as Beverly leaned in. Gently pressing a soft kiss to her lips, Beverly moved her whole body to press her further against the door. Beverly pulled back to make sure Katrine was okay, but her answer was to pull her closer, wrap her arms around her neck, tangle her hands in her hair, and kiss Beverly. Hard.

Feeling her moan against her mouth, Katrine grinned and moved one hand to start tracing down Beverly’s side. She delighted as she found the spots to induce shivers, making note to kiss them later. As she registered a deep voice moving closer, she wrenched her mouth from Beverly, grabbing her hand and quickly climbing the stairs. It probably would have been an easier trip if Beverly hadn’t stopped to press her against the wall every few steps, kissing across her neck and leaving marks in her wake with every moan of Katrine’s.

Tripping on the final stair, Katrine found herself sprawled in the middle of the hallway and her breath knocked from her. As she tried to catch her breath, she felt her dress being pulled up, bunching around the bottom of her ribcage as Beverly’s mouth kissed up her askew thighs. She moaned and tangled her hands in Beverly’s hair as she kissed closer and closer to her center.

Hearing Tuvok’s voice again, she shoved Beverly away and scrambled to her feet. Not waiting for fear of not making it to her bed in time, Katrine ran down the hall and into her bedroom.

Beverly sauntered in slowly, intent on teasing, but stopped in her tracks under the doorframe. In the spare seconds advance Katrine had, she’d stripped completely and lay across her bed, ankles crossed neatly with her hands behind her head.

Practically purring, she beckoned Beverly to her. “I believe you started something, Madame Doctor?”

Moving to the side, Beverly turned to shut the door. Back to Katrine, she started unbuttoning her dress. She sent a smouldering glance over her shoulder, grinning as she saw Katrine’s fingers twitch toward her. Facing the door again, she let her dress drop to the ground, closely followed by her bra and panties.

Katrine lay back, perfectly content to watch. As Beverly crawled over her, Katrine reached up with her hands and pulled her body flush to hers. She hummed and kissed Beverly while allowing her hands to wander, tracing invisible patterns as she pleased.

\---

Tuvok’s knock on the door woke Katrine. Realising it was well into the night, she untangled herself from Beverly and slipped her dress over her head. Gently opening the door, she moved to the hallway, leaving Beverly to doze in peace.

“Yes, Tuvok?”

His eyebrow raised at her dishevelled appearance. “Everything is ready downstairs for tonight. We require your presence now for a final debriefing.”

“I’ll be down in five minutes. Let me get dressed, okay?”

He merely nodded and returned downstairs.

A raspy whisper came from behind her, startling Katrine. “Where are you headed at this hour?”

She spun, one hand over her heart, willing it to slow. “I’ve…got plans.” She moved to step past Beverly, but two hands on her shoulders stopped her.

“Katrine?”

“Oh nothing, major. I just have to go out for a bit and make some late night runs for…supplies.” She didn’t meet Beverly’s gaze, knowing her lie was completely transparent.

Beverly tipped her chin up. “Do you need me to go?”

She nodded, feeling choked up. _Get a grip, Katrine. It was one night._

“I see.” Beverly turned and started dressing as Katrine went to hide in the bathroom, trying to gather her wits. _It was one goddamned night. Why do you feel like this? It’s just goodbye. You’re being utterly ridiculous. Knock. It. Off._

Returning to the bedroom, she steeled herself for something awful, still unable to shake that nagging feeling that goodbye wasn’t what she ever wanted to say. What, exactly, she wanted to say she wasn’t entirely sure, but it never hurt to be prepared for the worst. _Right?_

Instead, Beverly just gave her a gentle kiss and promised to stop by again, tomorrow, maybe the next day, sometime soon perhaps, and was out the door.

Feeling delightfully hazy and unreasonably relived that she wasn’t leaving for good, Katrine dug through her dresser to find her dark raid clothes and prepared for the night.

\---

Beverly wandered to a park in the center of the village, content to lay back and watch the stars. _Too bad Katrine couldn’t be here, too. Work. Sure. Everyone works in the middle of the night. I’ll have to ask again when I see h –_

She scrambled to stand as gunfire exploded in the street. _Americans._

Staying low, she grabbed her jacket, never more thankful it was white than she was now. She ran to the fallen American soldiers and started looking them over. As she started bandaging a torn limb, rough hands pulled her upright.

She found herself face to face with an American captain with quite the strange tattoo. _Now is not the time to ask, Beverly._

“What the hell are you doing to my men?”

She jerked his hands from her shoulders and stood taller. “Beverly Howard, American doctor. Please allow me to continue triage - you’re wasting time with your interrogation, sir.”

He swept his arm over the street. “Feel free to fix’em up - my men are your men. Keep your head down, though, and don’t get shot.”

She rolled her eyes as she knelt. “Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind.”

She worked, moving from downed man to downed man, bandaging what she could and doing her best to forget about the ones she couldn’t save. Her white jacket had long since been discarded after it had been bloodied by gushing wounds, lost in the flurry of one too many dying men. As another shell hit the cobblestone, she was thrown forward and into a wall. Gasping for breath and clutching her head, she again found herself hauled upright.

It was the captain again. “I need you over here, now. My second officer has metal in his chest and I can’t lose him.”

She yanked her arm from his hand, suddenly furious.

“I’m a DOCTOR, not a damned war surgeon, and you’d best remember it. I’m trying, okay?”

He looked stunned but ducked his head with a quiet apology.

Kneeling by his side, she knew she couldn’t save the man. She gently laid a jacket over the protruding metal before standing again.

“I’m sorry.” She turned to go help another but cried out, grabbing her neck. _Oh my god, the ship. The crew. Kathryn._

\---

Inside the Kommandant’s office, Katrine backed Seven into a corner, demanding answers while holding her at gunpoint. “I told you no more mistakes. You've just made your last one.” Raising the gun, Katrine dropped it, gasping and grabbing her neck and crying out in pain. “Seven!” 

“Captain.”

_Oh my god what have they done to my ship? Jesus._

She started to gather her bearings. As she peeked out the window, she could see bodies in the street. _My crew._

Stilling, her hand dropped from the window as she noticed a bloodied white jacket strewn across a body in the street. Beverly’s jacket.

_Oh sweet Jesus not Beverly._

\---

Wandering the hallways, Kathryn limped toward sickbay, counting down the sections until she got there. _Twelve._ _I need to find my doctor. I need to see her body and say goodbye. Oh god. I can’t say goodbye._ Her tentative steps faltered. _Eleven. I need to see her._ Her knee gave out and she sunk to the floor. _Beverly._ She curled into a ball around her leg, not noticed as she tipped sideways, her head landing on the carpet with a small bounce. _Beverly Beverly Beverly._

Chakotay nearly missed her tiny form, curled in a corner and shaking like a leaf. Taking one look at the dripping blood slowly spreading around her, he picked her up and ran the rest of the way to sickbay.

Now sitting on a piece of bulkhead, Kathryn kept pressure against her leg, trying to ignore the oozing blood as she waited for the EMH to come by again. She’d pushed him away several times and made him go to the crew first, ignoring his protests and insisting she would wait for everyone, first. She leaned back, her head thunking against the wall and echoing through the quiet corridor. Feeling tears start to roll down her face, she tried to stifle oncoming sobs. _Maybe the quiet wasn’t such a brilliant plan, Kathryn. You think too much. This is ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous. Stop._

Tears continued to roll down her cheeks until two soft hands wiped them away.

“Katie?”

Her eyes flew open and her arms were around Beverly’s neck before she even properly processed her presence. Through her tears, she covered her in kisses, whispering love and endearments and fears of her death between each one.

Beverly stilled the frantic captain and pulled her back far enough to see her face. Kathryn merely looked up with a brilliant smile and gently brushed her thumb across Beverly’s cheek, smiling even more when she leaned into her hand.

“I thought you were dead. I…saw your jacket in the street and…I thought you were dead.” She’d started strong but faltered in the end. She leaned dangerously to the side, her leg giving out and her emotions overwhelming her. Beverly gently sat her down and turned to go find a medkit.

“NO!” Kathryn’s hand shot out and grabbed her arm.

“Kathryn, you’ve been shot – I need to go get a medkit.”

Her lip trembled, even as she cursed herself for being so pathetic. “I thought you were dead.”

Beverly frowned at Kathryn’s repeated statement, but sat next to her. She wrapped her arms around Kathryn, one hand pressing against the wound as Kathryn snuggled as close as she could. Her treatment would just have to wait for a while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	12. Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to have taken so long to finally update - life is...hectic to say the least.

_Night_

_\----_

**_Day One_ **

“Kathryn…mmmm…Kathryn, we need to pack up and go.” Beverly gently pushed Kathryn up and off of her, reluctantly ending her kiss. Kathryn sat back and pouted until her grin took over.

“I bet we can just transport to my quarters and save the walk…and give us more time here.” She traced her hands up Beverly’s arms and looped them around her neck. Leaning in to kiss her, Kathryn found herself stopped by a gentle finger. Kissing it quickly, she attempted to stand up but found herself a little tipsier than she’d anticipated. _Oh, Christ in a warp core…I shouldn’t have had that much champagne. You’re not just a little tipsy, dear Kathryn, are you…_

Tucking herself under Beverly’s arm, she waved to the door. “Lead on, Madame Doctor.”

From the moment she clipped the doorframe with her shoulder, things got progressively less becoming of a Starfleet officer, let alone two senior staff members, and far more heated with each stop along the way. Beverly immediately dropped the picnic basket and backed Kathryn into the doorframe and kissed her, hard, pressing their bodies together and drawing a deep moan from the captain. Pushing back, Kathryn muttered something about rules, and stalked off toward the turbolift, only to have Beverly wrap herself around Kathryn from behind and press soft wet kisses up her neck. Her groans of protest and protocol were quickly morphed into appreciation as Beverly kissed behind her ear.

In the turbolift, Kathryn found herself against the wall and thoroughly stroked and kissed, as soon as she’d finished entering the command for her quarters. The only reason they even got off the turbolift was because Chakotay entered it and cleared his throat. Three times.

With a giggle, Kathryn pulled Beverly out and toward her rooms, batting her hands away while she tried to enter her code. Finally getting it on the third try, no thanks to Beverly’s wandering hands and lips, the two of them stumbled in and quickly left a trail of clothes, leading to Kathryn’s bed.

\----

**_Day Ten_ **

Crawling under the covers, Kathryn tugged her blankets to her chin. She turned to the wall, avoiding the light from the other nightstand.

“Katie? I can stop reading if it’s bothering you…it’s just a journal piece and not terribly important.”

She barely shrugged. She tried to ignore the sounds, but a gentle thunk of a padd on the table, and a click as the light went off made it through the blanket over her ear anyway. As the bed shifted, Kathryn felt Beverly move close, starting to snuggle in, but she shrugged her hand off her shoulder.

“Kathryn?”

“I’m just tired and hot and really need to sleep, okay?”

A drawn out pause preceded a quiet whisper. “Okay.”

Kathryn stared at the wall, counting flecks in the metal.

“Katie? I love you.”

Rolling her eyes, she attempted to cover any exasperation in her voice. “I love you, too.”

_Now please just let me sleep. Something…isn’t right. Maybe sleep will help._

_Please let it help. I can’t do this now, especially not now._

_\----_

**_Day Fifteen_ **

Kathryn sighed and leaned against her door the moment it closed. She dropped her handful of padds on her desk, not caring that half fell to the floor. Pulling her jacket from her shoulders, Kathryn toed off her boots as she walked across the room. The turtleneck fell across a glass table, the clink of pips echoing around the quiet quarters.

Reaching her bedroom, she reached back and pulled the zipper, shrugging from the undershirt and pants jumpsuit. She flopped onto her bed, crawling toward the top, raising up long enough just to slip under the covers.

“Crusher to Janeway.”

Stifling a groan, she flipped over to speak upward and not into her pillow. “Janeway here.”

“I was trying to decide which wine to bring for dinner – what are you planning on making…or should I just bring sandwiches?”

Scrubbing a hand down her face, she sighed _. Of course. You promised her dinner and yet here you are. You can’t even get out of bed._

“Bev, I don’t think I can do dinner…I’m…exhausted.”

“Katie? Are you sick? You’ve slept every hour you haven’t been on duty, and Chakotay came down to see me today. He’s worried about you…and so am I. Do you need me to come over and look you over?”

“Beverly, I’m fine. I just need to sleep, okay?”

She stared at the ceiling as the silence stretched on and on.

“Kathryn, call me if you get sick, please. I don’t like worrying about you.”

“So don’t.”

She heard the sharp intake of breath on the other side and pinched her nose. “Bev? That’s not what I meant, or at least I said it too harshly. I just need to sleep, that’s all, I promise.”

“I understand, and I worry anyway. Get some sleep. I love you.”

“I love you too.” There was a small click as the line closed.

_I love you, Beverly. Why, then, do I feel like hiding and crying and sleeping and never getting up?_

_\----_

**_Day Sixteen_ **

Feigning interest in whatever report she was supposed to be reading, Kathryn answered the ready room’s chime. Waiting a moment, she finally looked up.

“Doctor?”

“Katie.”

“Beverly.”

She leaned back as Beverly moved around her desk to kneel in front of Kathryn. She gently took the padd and coffee away, and clasped Kathryn’s hands.

Blinking back unexpected tears, Kathryn reiterated, “Doctor?”

“You’re worrying me, even though you say you’re fine. I would really like to run a quick scan to see if there is something quantifiably wrong, and if I can fix it for you. I brought a tricorder, as I presume you don’t want to make the trip to sickbay.”

Huffing her discontent, Kathryn nodded and sat in stony silence as Beverly scanned her.

“Nothing on the preliminary scan, but I’m going to run a better one – let me see if there’s something along the lines of a chemical imbalance, maybe?”

“No, Beverly, I’m fine and I’m not sick as you can clearly tell. I’m just tired. Four full years out here might finally be catching up.”

“Kathryn, you never sleep this much…ever, really. You’re scaring me.”

Kathryn drew back, officially annoyed. “Beverly, I’m not having this discussion any more. I’m _fine_. Please just let me go back to work.” She turned back to her desk and started reading reports, pulling up more information on her computer.

Beverly sighed and carefully stood. She paused, like she wanted to say something, but Kathryn saw her just shake her head before leaving.

Dropping the pretence of work, Kathryn slumped in her chair, hands over her face.

_I’m not okay and I’m not fine._

_\----_

**_Day Twenty._ **

Scrubbing a hand over her face, Kathryn prepared herself to step onto the bridge. She had slept an extra three hours, now extremely late for alpha shift, but she just didn’t care. _It’s my damn bridge anyway._

She stepped off, and vaguely heard Harry’s stifled gasp. _I don’t look that bad, do I? Oh well._ Walking down and around, she quickly assured Chakotay that he still had the bridge, and she strode straight into her ready room.

_Coffee. I need coffee._

\--

“Chakotay to Doctor Crusher.”

“Beverly here, Commander.” Beverly set her computer aside and leaned back in her chair.

“You asked to know when she got to the bridge, and only just a minute ago. She barely muttered anything and is hiding already.”

She sighed and rested her face in her hands before responding, slightly muffled. “Thank you, Chakotay.”

“Is everything okay?”

She hesitated. “I…yes. Maybe? Does she seem…off to you?”

“She’s been sleepy, but I’m sure she will get through this. She’s the captain.”

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Beverly placated back. “You’re quite right. It’s her prerogative anyway. Thank you, Commander. Beverly out.” She tapped her badge and dropped her arms and head to her desk.

_I don’t know how to help you, love._

_\----_

**_Day Thirty_ **

_I’m not doing it. I won’t stay in bed all day. I won’t_

“The time is 0600. The time is 0600.”

She rolled over just enough that her head wasn’t completely muffled. “Computer, stop alarm and reset 24 hours.”

“Alarm reset.”

“Good. Now shush and leave me _alone_.”

“Please restate the request.”

Kathryn just rolled over and went back into a restless sleep.

_They’ll be fine without me anyway._

_\----_

**_Day Forty_ **

Kathryn startled, dropping her coffee to splatter across the entire floor. Beverly had stormed in, no warning, and stopped, toe to toe with the captain.

“You haven’t spoken to anyone in a week, Kathryn, and you expect me to just assume you’re okay? The first day I thought you were just busy, the second day I was upset, and now six days later, I’m just furious.”

Kathryn tried to step back, and opened her mouth to try to explain. Beverly, however, cut right back in.

“No – you don’t just get to ignore me and sleep all day! You haven’t been out of these rooms in a week, either – it’s not just me that worries, anymore – the whole crew notices.”

Kathryn just stared over her shoulder, falling into parade rest. _I tried, Beverly, I tried. I walked to the door, ready to go, and crumpled in tears like a foolish child._

“Even now you’re going to ignore me?”

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

Beverly grabbed her shoulders and gently shook. “Look at me! Kathryn – I was worried before, and now I’m just…terrified.” Her voice shook and Kathryn saw tears forming. “I need you to let me help you. I need you to let me in.”

 _I want to let you in. I need to let you in. I need your help but I don’t know how to ask._ Shaking her head, Kathryn stepped back.

Beverly swallowed a sob and angrily wiped her tears away. “Fine.” She spun, but paused just inside the door. “Kathryn, I love you.” She turned to gaze back over her shoulder. “I’ll be here when you need me.”

Kathryn stared at the doors as they swished shut.

_I love you. I need you._

She staggered backward, knees hitting the couch and making her fall onto it. A few silent tears slipped down her cheeks, but she was too far gone to cry. Crying stopped helping, weeks ago.

_I love you._

_\----_

**_Day Fifty_ **

_You need to get up. Go to the bridge and at the very least read reports in your ready room. It’s not healthy to stay here all day._

She dragged herself to sit up on the edge of her bed, scrubbing her hands down her face and through her hair.

_You’re a mess, Kathryn. Get up._

She stood, stripping her nightgown over her head and leaving it where it fell.

_Beverly isn’t here to mind, anyway._

“Activate sonic shower.”

_Good god. When’s the last time you even spoke a word? Oh well. Get in and shower._

The gentle hum started and she stepped in, leaning heavily against the wall.

_Get out. Get dressed._

Pulling her underwear on, and her uniform, she stood in front of her mirror.

_You’re pathetic._

She opened the cupboard and laid her makeup out, neatly and in order.

_Why do you even bother?_

Finishing her face, she noticed the dark circles under her eyes still shone through.

_Wonderful. Or not._

Carefully sweeping her hair into place, Kathryn tried a small smile.

_Ah yes. That will clearly fool…no one._

She turned before tears came. Grabbing her jacket, she pulled it over her arms while walking toward the door.

_I can’t._

_I can’t do this._

Hearing more than feeling her knees hit the floor, Kathryn rested her head on her hands in front of her.

_They don’t even need you anyway, clearly. Go back to bed. You lost them out here and look what they’ve done. They’ve taken it into their own hands and you’re nothing anymore._

Tears soaked the floor through her fingers.

_I can’t do this._

She hit the edge of her bed and fell into it, without realising she’d even moved. Vaguely hearing the com, she rolled over and buried her head under her pillows.

_I can’t._

_I won’t._

_I don’t even care._

_\----_

**_Day Fifty One_ **

Beverly sat with the EMH, both overlooking Kathryn’s vitals.

“She’s been asleep now for 24 hours. I would like you to check on her and see if you can get her to eat something.”

“Doctor, she’s not a child, and I can’t make her do anything.” Beverly sighed and dropped her padd. “I’m sorry. I’m worried and it makes me snappish. I’ll go check on her around dinner time.”

“Which, if anyone bothered to notice occasionally, is now. You’re working past shift, Beverly.”

She glanced again at the padd, and stood. “Wish me luck.”

He didn’t.

\--

Overriding the lock was easy enough; waking a sleeping captain was another story. Beverly sat on the edge of the bed and brushed Kathryn’s hair from her face, gently brushing over worried tension in her face. She almost giggled at how her nose crinkled, but she was immediately met with a glare.

“Why are you here?”

Beverly reached for Kathryn’s hand. “I’m here to make you dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.” She pulled her hand away and pulled the covers over her head. “Go away.”

Beverly just rose and walked to the replicator, ordering dinner and setting it on the table by the couch. Quickly turning back, she ordered a black coffee, just in case, and set that on the far side of the table.

_No formalities. Now. How long until she wanders out…five…four…three…two…one…ah yes._

Kathryn padded over, blankets still wrapped over her shoulders. She curled up on the far side of the couch, warily staring at Beverly’s empty soup bowl.

“Would you like some?” Her eyes snapped up, knowing she’d been caught.

“No.” Her new glare would have been more effective, had her stomach not growled. “Fine. Yes. A small bowl.”

She stood, kissed Kathryn’s forehead, and placed a full soup bowl on the side table, and finally, pressed the coffee into her hands. “I love you.” Not wanting to push her progress, Beverly left, sparing just one glance over her shoulder to see Kathryn take a small sip with a smile over her face.

_Sometimes the little things help the most. I love you._

\--

_Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe…I’m not quite as worthless as I think. I love you, too, Beverly._

**\----**

**_Day Fifty Three_ **

 “She actually let me in her quarters, and we talked about the radiation without trouble. When I mentioned the holodeck time, she shut down completely. Beverly, she feels guilty about…everything.”

Beverly sighed and leaned back. “There’s progress at least. She’s talking, and specifically, talking about what’s gotten her so down. I’ll stop by for dinner again today…see if I can’t help more.”

“The crew knows, Doctor. They know and they’re concerned. Some, you might even say are actually angry that she’s feeling so sorry for herself. I didn’t let them go further, but you should know.”

“Thank you, Commander. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She stood and grasped his shoulder once in a grateful goodbye.

\--

 _This is as good as it’s gunna get._ Kathryn stared at herself in the mirror, willing the dark circles to go away. _At least your hair is behaving somewhat._

Calling for the door to open, Kathryn stepped out just in time to see Beverly set brownies on the table.

“I may just keep you after all.” Kathryn let a smile play across her face, trying to crush the sadness away for just the night. As Beverly hesitated to hug her, Kathryn flinched, before slowly relaxing and relishing the first hug she’d had in weeks.

After dinner, she found herself slowly shifting closer to Beverly on the couch, unsure how to ask for another hug since the first had felt so completely refreshing. First their knees touched, then thighs, and somehow Kathryn then found herself completely wrapped in the doctor’s arms. Something about the basic touch soothed her deep seated pain, dulling an ache she’d learned to ignore.

She found herself clinging when Beverly stood to leave, and heard her own whisper before it registered. “Don’t go.”

Beverly looked shocked, but pleased, and answered just by pulling Kathryn to her feet and into a hug again. She softened and wrapped her arms around Beverly, sliding her hands under the jacket to rest on warn skin. With a halting sigh, she snuggled in and listened to the doctor’s strong heartbeat. Kathryn pressed a kiss over the heartbeat, and whispered again. “I love you.”

She felt the arms tighten around her, and a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you, too.”

\----

**_Day 57_ **

\----

 _Chakotay, there's no one I trust more than you. You're a fine First Officer. Are you ready to Captain this ship?_  
Yes.   
Assemble the crew.

_\--_

“Chakotay? Please come in and take a seat – would you like some tea? This is fresh as of one report ago.” She started to clear a spot on her desk for his tea when she noticed his hesitation. Sighing, she fell back into her chair. “What did she do?”

He sat heavily, scrubbing his hands down his face. “She wants me to take the ship while she stays behind in a shuttle to destroy the wormhole. Kathryn actually expects all of us to just let her go.”

Beverly just stared, trying to comprehend. Gulping her tea, she frantically tried to figure out a loophole, a way to get her through the wormhole, too. She shoved the tea cup aside, and dropped her face to her hands, trying to control her racing thoughts.

“Beverly? I’m going to tell the senior staff, one by one, or by department, however I find them. We aren’t letting her do this. B’Elanna had an idea yesterday – I’d like to see if we can expand it.” He stood and leaned over to clasp Beverly’s hand. “Be on the bridge at 1400, okay?”

“I can do that. Thank you.” She stood as he left. As the sickbay doors swished shut behind him, she dropped to her chair and stared at the ceiling for a long while.

_You couldn’t possibly expect us to leave you, could you? We all love you, you idiot._

_\--_

**_1402 hours; Bridge_ **

She watched Kathryn turn from crew member to crew member, ordering them to take the helm only to be turned down. As she turned to Beverly, Kathryn stepped closer, peering up at Beverly.

“Doctor, the helm.”

Beverly carefully tilted her chin in defiance but kept eye contact. “You know I can’t follow that order, Kathryn.”

She watched as Kathryn blinked back, keeping the tears at bay in time to turn to Tuvok. “As you can see, you’re not the only on who’s had time to evaluate the past.”

Beverly managed to keep her smirk mostly hidden as the captain poked fun at the situation with gallows humour. Her smirk, however, quickly grew to a full-fledged grin as the crew rallied around their captain and created a risky plan, but risk meant nothing when faced with losing Kathryn.

Gracefully, Beverly sat on the bench next to the captain’s chair, waiting for Kathryn to turn from bugging Chakotay.

“You helped, didn’t you?”

Her smile faltered. “I only went with the plan, Kathryn. I wasn’t about to leave you here.”

Narrowing her gaze, Kathryn barely concealed a smirk. “You’d be first to hang behind Chakotay.” She looked to her hand, playing with the seam in the upholstery. Her voice wavered as she continued. “Thank you.”

Beverly quickly peeked around the bridge to assure everyone was busy; leaning across the arm rest, she kissed Kathryn’s cheek, lingering to rest her forehead on her temple. “I love you.” Kathryn quickly and playfully shoved Beverly back to her bench, just as Tuvok started rattling off information about their oncoming confrontation.

\--

After the stars started to appear again. Kathryn blinked back tears, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. Still not perfect, but she knew things might actually be on the upswing.

_You made it. You really made it._

“Full speed ahead.” As she gulped back more tears, Kathryn inched her hand over her armrest and twined her fingers with Beverly’s.

_You made it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think - I'm a little unsure as to how this came across in writing, compared to what I wanted to get across from my head.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	13. Timeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Beverly had been on the Delta Flyer, too?

_**Year 2390** _

Beverly blinked, trying to reconcile this image of the bridge with the memory from so long ago. She felt Chakotay gently squeeze her shoulder before he picked his way to Seven’s frozen body. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself, stepping over demolished bridge structures. The doctor knelt by Kathryn’s side, but sat stiffly - partially because of her older joints subjected to a life outside of conventional life, and more significantly because Kathryn was actually dead. Now that she was here, Beverly wasn’t sure quite what to do – it was one thing to mentally prepare to see her wife dead and frozen in place, but actually seeing her stole her breath away, and broke her heart again. She took a quick head to toe observation of the captain, finding Kathryn’s sprawled body in contradiction to the peaceful expression on her face.

_Please tell me you didn’t lay here long before you died._

Faintly hearing Chakotay’s heavy steps on the upper bridge, she shook her shock away and gently reached to Kathryn’s frozen face. Brushing the frost from the captain’s forehead, Beverly leaned forward and pressed a kiss there.

_I love you._

The cold of Kathryn’s skin was to be expected, but she was still somehow unprepared; the last time she’d touched Kathryn, she was kissing her goodbye in the shuttle bay with a well-timed cheeky comment.

_One minute we’re discussing brownies, and the next I’m across the galaxy without you, and without a clue if you’re alive or dead._

Chakotay, behind her, opened a link to Tessa, and Beverly knew her time was almost up. Gently rubbing her thumb across Kathryn’s cheek one more time, she said her goodbyes. As she started to rise, a sparkle of light glimmered in the dim emergency lighting. Beverly’s grandmother’s ring was on Kathryn’s hand.

_I didn’t know you wore it on duty, love, or was this deemed a special enough occasion? Preparation for meeting the admiral upon arrival, perhaps?_

Clapping her hands to her knees, she finally stood. She crossed back to Chakotay, who rose to meet her, while still talking to Tessa.

“I’ve found her – lock onto the transporter relay and beam her to the lab.”

**“Stand by.”**

“Make it quick…this isn’t exactly a happy reunion.”

In the moments waiting for Tessa to prepare, Beverly noted Seven’s appearance, glad that she seemed to be in practically pristine condition – perfect for their mission to save them all…not that the dead borg’s perfection was really any shock to anyone. _Even in death, Seven, really?_ Quirking a half smile, she also noted that apparently she had been crying as now tears frozen in their tracts pulled at her skin. _Oh well. Can’t say I expected anything different, but then again I handled it better than I expected. Give credit where it’s due, Beverly._

Chakotay pulled her into a quick side hug, her arm sliding around his waist as she peeked at Kathryn, and back to Seven.

From the Delta Flyer, Tessa commed them again. **“I’ve got a lock.”**

Beverly pulled away as he responded, turning fully to get one last look at Kathryn.

“Good. Beam her to the lab and we’ll meet you there. Chakotay out.” He gently touched Beverly’s shoulder. “We’ll get her back, Beverly.”

“I know, I know. It’s still…hard.”

“Come on – let’s go change history and see her again.”

\--

_Ladies and gentlemen, please! May I introduce the next generation of instellar propulsion, the Quantum Slipstream Drive. Four years, two months, eleven days. That's precisely how long Voyager's been in the Delta Quadrant. During that time, we've advanced the frontiers of exploration, and more importantly, we've survived. Now, it's time to go home. Enjoy the celebration, but keep in mind we've still got a lot of work to do before tomorrow's flight._

_Go easy on that champagne, Lieutenant._

\--

_**Year 2375** _

Kathryn hurried her steps to sneak behind Beverly as she chatted with Seven, inquiring about her implants – something about one was malfunctioning that morning, but Kathryn hadn’t gotten the full report yet. With a quick grin to Seven in advance apology, she quickly hugged the doctor from behind, startling her. She slid around to Beverly’s side and gently took her hand, twining their fingers.

“Please excuse me, Seven, if I might steal the doctor away?”

Seven inclined her head in acquiescence. “It is not a problem, Captain. I hope you enjoy your copular celebrations tonight. Doctor Crusher, please do not injure the captain as tomorrow is, as Lieutenant Paris exclaimed earlier, ‘a big day.’”

Kathryn’s jaw dropped, and Beverly just quickly shushed Seven and pulled the captain away before she could correct the situation.

Still stuttering and stammering, Kathryn tried to pull back to give Seven a piece of her mind, but Beverly quickly pulled her in for a kiss.

Pulling back, she glared up at the doctor. “Beverly, you can’t just keep shushing me with kisses – I need to go talk to Seven about just blatently discussing…these…matters…please stop giving me that look. You know I can’t resist that look.”

Beverly rolled her eyes and looped her arm through Kathryn’s, gently tugging her toward the door.

Heaving a sigh, Kathryn leaned into Beverly. “Fine. You win, but just this once.”

“Kathryn, I almost always win.”

Dead silence from Kathryn was the only response.

“Okay okay, but only this one time, I promise.” Beverly kissed Kathryn’s temple, much to the amusement of a passing ensign who smiled at the display. “Maybe.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes and looked over the crowd, half-heartedly thinking about how much a mess the confetti made. Glancing up at Beverly and seeing flecks in her hair, she quickly changed her mind and thought the mess was definitely and completely worth the clean-up work. With a small grin, she overlooked her crew and their new technology, proud of each and every one of them for their accomplishments.

Bumping her hip against Beverly’s, she brought her gaze to the warp core. “Quantum matrix, benamite crystals, Borg technology…can you imagine what Starfleet is going to say?”

Beverly laughed at the image. “I don’t think we’ll hear any complaints – the Federation’s first slipstream drive. They’ll probably nominate us for the Cochrane Medal of Honour.”

Kathryn gently laughed, not entirely sure how that would go over at Starfleet Command, but she was willing to let it go for now. “I’ll start working on my acceptance speech.”

“Personally, I’d like to thank the Borg Collective. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”

This time, she laughed fully. “Oh Beverly, my mother will love you.”

“Good. I’ve to have someone cook for me sometimes.”

Elbowing the doctor in the side, Kathryn glared up at her smirk. “I might retract my invitation with that attitude, but…dinner plans?”

“Oh nothing terribly special. Date with a replicator, tea, and medical reports.”

“Cancel them – that’s an order.”

She glanced up to capture Beverly’s renewed smirk and cheeky salute. “Aye aye, Captain.”

Kathryn laugh echoed through engineering as they exited.

\--

After losing track of time while reading last minute reports, Kathryn practically tripped in her haste to leave her ready room and bolt to the turbolift. Now on her deck, she practically ran down the hall, hoping she had enough time to actually cook dinner for once. She started unzipping and unhooking bits of her uniform as soon as her doors had shut; a sonic shower would still leave her time to cook and set the table.

Rushing into the shower barely long enough to feel clean, she nearly tripped over her boots in her dash to the closet.

_You’re nervous, aren’t you, you old fool? Relax. It’s Beverly. Slow down before you break your neck. She’d never let you live it down._

She gathered her uniform and boots, only to dump them on her closet floor.

_Close enough._

One deep blue dress and set of underwear later, she wandered barefoot to the replicator. Gently patting the top panel, she muttered appeasements and compliments and waxed poetic, eventually retracting her opinion that it was nothing more than a stupid miserable overrated glorified toaster from Hell, the lousy piece of junk.

Pressing a few buttons and wishing for the best, a bottle of wine materialised.

_Alright – step one, accomplished._

Pouring a glass to take a break before attempting an actual recipe, Kathryn slowly made her way around her quarters and lit candles, humming along to the piano songs she ordered the computer to play.

Deciding she finally felt brave enough to try cooking, she praised her replicator again, pressing buttons carefully and slowly. It beeped its acknowledgement and she jumped, partially because she was focused and probably partially because of the wine. Letting the replicator work, she refilled her glass, and slowly sipped her wine as the replicator hummed through the process.

Her nerves already on edge, she nearly tripped when the computer announced an incoming transport; beautiful lilies appeared in the middle of the dinner table. She leaned over to smell them and rearrange a few just as her door chimed.

“Come in.”

Beverly walked through, twirling in the doorway for Kathryn’s approval – approval which she gave wholeheartedly. Kathryn walked over and ran her hands up Beverly’s sides and over her shoulders. Gently, she pulled Beverly in for a quick kiss.

“You look stunning, my dear doctor, and I hope you’ve got an appetite!” Spinning away, she walked to the table, pulling Beverly by both hands stretched behind her. Halfway, she was yanked back against Beverly’s chest, back to the doctor. Beverly planted kisses down her neck as her hands meandered across the velvet over Kathryn’s stomach, and Kathryn hummed her approval.

However, the replicator beeped, and her eyes flew open. She tried to pry Beverly’s hands away, but they only went to even more distracting places.

“Beverly?” More kisses. “Mmm…wait no – Beverly!”

“What, my dear captain, could be more important than your favourite doctor?”

“Dinner.”

“Oh. Right.” As soon as Kathryn felt Beverly detach herself, and she quickly rushed to the replicator and complimented it profusely for actually producing their dinner.

Beverly sat, pouting in full force. “Are you sure dinner can’t wait?”

Kathryn laughed and turned back to the table, warily setting the dish down as though it might combust on the spot. “I’ve even programmed a dish my grandmother used to make on earth – vegetable biryani – and you want my efforts to just go to waste?”

At Beverly’s silence, Kathryn looked up. “What?”

“It sounds delicious…but um…I didn’t know you could cook?”

As Beverly continued to eye their dinner with nothing but suspicion, Kathryn burst out laughing again. “Just because I normally draw the line at coffee, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to cook for special occasions.”

Beverly broke the staring contest with the biryani to raise a sceptical eyebrow at the captain.

“Okay fine. I bribed the replicator at least twice, but Beverly…you know it hates me. It’s our last night in the Delta Quadrant…it’s special enough of an evening that it listened, for once.”

Beverly reached across and grabbed Kathryn’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “And it’s delicious – I’m so happy you and the replicator are finally on the same level!”

“Just in time to leave, naturally.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” Kathryn squeezed Beverly’s hand back and went back to her dinner.

The two ate in silence for a few minutes, each lost in nervous thought. Realising she wasn’t actually eating, Kathryn dropped her fork with a clatter and leaned back. “We launch tomorrow at 0800…are you ready?”

Beverly hesitated. “I…I worry about the shuttle. Chakotay and Harry are both excellent officers…but I worry about what could happen if turbulence gets too rough and one goes down – one person alone can’t manage that flight path. We can’t send the EMH because we could need him here…”

Kathryn sighed. “Beverly, if you want to go, you just have to ask the captain, and I hear she’s usually accommodating to her senior staff.” She leaned across and grabbed both the doctor’s hands. “If it will make you feel better, please go with them.”

“Are you sure? I didn’t want to leave you alone on the bridge.”

“I think I’ll be okay!” She grinned. “Just hurry back, okay? I want you here when we land my ship.”

“Aye, Captain.” Beverly hesitated again before continuing with a small grin. “I assume this means you’ve made your decision?”

“Mmm. You three will take the Flyer, and we’ll be right behind you. I’ve got to make an announcement…”

Beverly stood, kneeling in front of Kathryn. “Right now…or is there time for dessert?” Her hands slipped under the edge of Kathryn’s dress and gently massaged up her thighs.

“I was…going to make the announcement soon…but I can send a quick message to Chakotay…if you stop that for a moment. Goodness, Beverly, I can’t even think when you do that, let alone talk.” Beverly stood, running her hands slowly up Kathryn’s body and back down her arms to her hands, pulling her up.

Kathryn felt herself manoeuvred to back into the table, bent backward by Beverly’s kisses and by wandering hands pressing everywhere and anywhere. Again, she found herself trying to detach the doctor, but failing spectacularly. As Beverly’s kisses shifted to her neck, Kathryn shrugged and opened a line to Chakotay, hoping for the best. “Janeway to Chakotay.”

Beverly chuckled against Kathryn’s neck.

**“Chakotay here, Captain.”**

“We launch at 0800.” She paused and stifled a gasp as Beverly sucked over her pulse, and at the same time, moved dishes from behind Kathryn. “Please make an announcement to the crew.”

**“Are you sure? There are so many variables…”** He continued to talk over the comline but Kathryn wasn’t paying attention, instead trailing her hands over Beverly’s ribs to ghost over her breasts. Her massive grin at Beverly’s shiver was hidden in the crook of the doctor’s neck. Eventually, his voice cut through the haze in her brain.

**“Captain?”**

“Hmm? Oh. This could be our only chance to use the Quantum Drive…” Lying back across the table, Kathryn wove her fingers in Beverly’s hair as the doctor started kissing down her body, shifting Kathryn’s dress out of the way as much as possible.

**“True, Kathryn, but we both know if we showed this to any ‘Fleet engineer, they’d think we were out of our minds.”**

He again kept talking, but she’d made her decision and really wanted to get on with the better part of the evening. “Long enough. We’ve waited long enough….are you with me?”

**“Always.”**

As Beverly knelt and began kissing up Kathryn’s legs, Kathryn hoped her breathiness didn’t translate over the com. “Good. I will see you at 0700 tomorrow in my ready room for last minute details. Good night, Commander.” Beverly pulled Kathryn’s panties off, flinging them somewhere behind her.

**“Sounds good, Captain. Enjoy your night, Kathryn…Beverly. Chakotay out.”**

As the comline clicked shut, Beverly chuckled once at Chakotay’s goodbye, and then licked through Kathryn’s folds. Kathryn’s head thudded against the table as her hands clenched through Beverly’s hair, and her moan echoed in the small room.

\--

Kathryn pulled the blankets back onto the bed, and over the sleepy doctor. Snuggling close, she wrapped her arm around Beverly’s waist. “Beverly?”

She felt the doctor place a sleepy kiss on her forehead. “Yes?”

“When we get home tomorrow…if I can get out of meetings long enough, I want to go home and see my mother.”

“I think you should – she’ll be absolutely beyond happy to see you again, safe, sound, and home.”

Kathryn traced goosebumps across Beverly’s ribs. “I was hoping that you would come with me?”

With another sleepy kiss to her forehead, Kathryn felt Beverly respond. “Of course I will. I’ve been wanting to meet this woman since I met you – oh – and I want some brownies, too.”

Snuggling just a little closer, Kathryn buried her face in the doctor’s neck. “I wanted you to mee her…as my wife.”

She watched Beverly’s chest hitch, breath catching midway. “Kathryn…I…”

Hot tears burned her eyes. “I’m sorry – it was a dumb thing to say, and I shouldn’t have assumed that we were marr-” She was abruptly cut off as Beverly pulled her chin up to meet her for a deep gentle kiss.

“I would be absolutely honoured. Kathryn. It’s not on the record, but you’re wearing my ring and we’ve made our promises and our plans. You are my wife, my love.”

Kathryn’s tears overflowed as she kissed Beverly again and again, soft butterfly kisses when her words failed her.

After she’d settled back into Beverly’s arms, she felt the doctor sigh. She looked up to see a faraway look pass over her face. “Bev?”

“Mmm. I was just thinking – when we get back – do you think Admiral Paris would marry us, officially, before we even left the ship? I don’t want to take any chances, or waste any time. Last time we tried this, the whole damn ship was taken over before we had a chance to say ‘I do.’”

“Shhh. Don’t even say it. Don’t talk about it. Don’t jinx a thing. I will marry you, of course, if we can, but I’m not even going to think about it. I don’t have good luck in these cases and I don’t want to push our luck any more than we already are with this slipstream.”

Beverly laughed and hugged Kathryn closer. “Fair enough.” She kissed Kathryn’s forehead. “I love you.”

Smiling, Kathryn pressed a kiss over Beverly’s heart. “I love you.”

\--

_**Year 2390** _

Harry finished his message and returned to help the doctors.

“What was that all about?” The EMH didn’t look up from Seven’s body as he inquired, but Beverly’s tired but curious eyes flickered up.

“Oh? Nothing. Letter to a friend. How’s it look?”

Noting that they were content to work without her, Beverly slipped back to the computer console. She pulled up the same commands Harry used, and adjusted a couple to piggyback this message, and address it to the captain; if Harry could send a message back in time, so could she.

_I hope I don’t give you too much of a headache – this much time manipulation hurts even my head._

Peeking over her shoulder, she made sure the two men were engrossed in their work; overhearing Harry’s description of their homecoming, she blinked tears away before she started recording; their homecoming hadn’t been pleasant – rewards and galas only made the sting of their losses worse.

Not wanting to be away for too long, she gently touched her fingers to her lips, and to the screen, signing off. As she started to move away, her hand brushed across the controls, and Janeway’s final log started playing; apparently Harry had saved it and brought the file to the Flyer.

**Captain’s log, Stardate 52143.6. With any luck, my next log entry will be made in the Alpha Quadrant…but should our luck run out, I’d like to day for the record that the crew of Voyager acted with distinction and valour.**

She carefully touched the screen over Kathryn’s smile, happy to see it again even if just in a recording. As the shuttle came under fire, Beverly had to get back to work with Seven’s implant, but seeing Kathryn again, alive, added a new spark to her drive.

_I’ll see you soon._

\--

_**Year 2375** _

“Kathryn?”

“Beverly?”

“You need to let go of my hand for me to board the shuttle.”

“Oh.” Kathryn blushed and dropped the doctor’s hand, stepping back. With a broad wave of her arm, she wordlessly invited Beverly to board.

Beverly gave a cheeky grin, saluted, and spun on her heel. Three strides later, she spun again. Reaching out, she took Kathryn’s face in her hands, and pulled her into a deep but quick kiss. Kissing her once more on the nose, Beverly turned back to the shuttle. Over her shoulder, she commented one last time. “Tell Admiral Paris to meet me on the bridge when we’re in the same quadrant for the wedding, and have your mother bring brownies to the party. I have quite the craving for them.”

Kathryn’s jaw dropped at her audacity; covering her shock, she spun back and growled for the attending dock crew to get back to work and close their mouths before space flies landed. Once the doors shut behind her on her way to the bridge, she finally grinned.

\--

_Captain's log, supplemental. Our slipstream flight may have been brief, but it took nearly ten years off our journey. I've given the order to dismantle the Quantum Drive until the technology can be perfected. Despite the setback, we have a renewed sense of momentum…it no longer seems a question of if we get home, but when._

\--

Kathryn returned to her quarters after delivering Harry’s message to himself; she called for a glass of wine while she started removing her uniform. As her jacket hit the couch, she leaned over to unzip her boots when she was interrupted by the door chime.

Sighing, she stood up straight. “Come in.”

Harry practically fell through the doors, breathless. “Captain – there was another message after mine, addressed to you – I um…brought the whole computer when the file probably would have sufficed I’m sorry and I – ”

She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “It’s alright Mr. Kim. I can send you the file to your quarters when I’m done with mine – go get some rest, and appreciate that you still got us ten years closer to home, and your parents, okay?”

He nodded, suddenly aware he was in her quarters at night, and he’d clearly disturbed her. “I’m sorry for the intrusion, Captain, and good night.” He left in as much hurry as his arrival.

Dropping the computer to her coffee table, she sank back into the couch as it activated. As the elder Beverly appeared and began talking, Kathryn shot forward, hands over her mouth. Blinking back tears as the doctor continued, her breath caught as she absently noticed that Beverly was even more beautiful, but absolutely exhausted. The message ended and Kathryn got up, pacing across her quarters. She turned back and grabbed her jacket, nearly frantic in trying to turn it properly to locate the combadge.

“Janeway to Beverly.”

**“Beverly, here, Kathryn. You sound odd – are you okay?”**

“Not really – can you come to my quarters immediately?” Kathryn noted that small clatters and swishes of fabric came from the other end of the line – the doctor hadn’t even waiting for confirmation to start on her way.

**“Don’t move – I’ll be there in two minutes tops… _Doctor? I’m leaving – Kathryn needs me for an emergency of some kind – no not medical you’re fine here thank you._ Kathryn? I’m on my way. Crusher out.”**

Kathryn laughed at her doctor’s methods, but appreciated her expediency just the same.

True to her word, Beverly appeared at Kathryn’s door in less than two minutes. “Kathryn? What’s wrong? Is there something in the reports? I thought everything was okay?”

Not moving from her seat on the couch, Kathryn patted next to her. “I’m okay, I suppose, but I need you to watch this for me. I told you Harry had a message from himself today…but apparently there was one from you – er her, too, addressed to me.”

Beverly slowly lowered herself to sit, unnerved by the prospect. “Are you sure I should see this? It’s your message…”

“I need you to see it, Beverly.” She leaned forward and hit play, calling the older doctor back up. She felt Beverly’s sharp intake of breath at her own appearance.

**“Kathryn? Oh good this is working. I have to be quick before the EMH grouches at me as he hasn’t gotten better with time – fifteen years ago, the slipsteam crashed for you, but not us. We made it back…but we had to live with not knowing where you were, and then we found you...all dead. If you get this, it means we saved you, and that’s enough for me to erase my existence to this point. Kathryn, I love you and I’ve always loved you. Please don’t make me wait until you get home to move forward with our lives. I’m saving you now so you can live everything I couldn’t, because you were here and frozen while I was carted from party to gala to party. Please don’t keep me on hold. I love you.”** The elder doctor touched her fingertips to her mouth, and to the screen, one final goodbye before the transmission ended.

Kathryn turned slowly to see Beverly fuming, her hands clenched and her entire body tense. “Beverly?”

“She shouldn’t have said any of that – I know why we are living the way we are, and you know I respect that with everything I am, Kathryn.”

Kathryn reached for Beverly’s hands, and gently stroked them open to hold hers. “I know you do. She died a lonely woman, Bev, and I think I understand her pain.”

“It doesn’t matter. She was out of line.”

“Bev – it’s okay.” Leaning forward, Kathryn started placing kisses along Beverly’s jaw, coaxing her to turn her face and meet her with more kisses. Finding her non responsive, Kathryn gave up subtle and climbed into Beverly’s lap.

Beverly’s face went from angry to bemused as the captain settled herself. “I do hope I’m suitably comfortable for a seat, Captain?”

“I suppose so, if you’re done fuming.” Kathryn leaned forward, kissing any remaining anger away.

“I could be convinced, I think.”

“Good. Come with me.” She clambered off Beverly’s lap as quickly as she’d sat. At the doctor’s raised eyebrow, she rolled her eyes. “To bed, Beverly. Come with me to bed.” Spinning on her heels, Kathryn sauntered away, peeling layers of uniform off as she went. “Or don’t and I’ll come of my own accord. Take your pick.”

Beverly sat in shock until a bra landed in her lap; she jumped up, bolting after her captain, trapping her just inside the bedroom door and tossing her onto the bed.

\--

                                                                                                                    

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, and if you find typos!


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